Im destined to be alone. Cause all I do is to hurt the people I love.
Its like I have a force within that drives people away from me. Cause I know whats inside. And I won't open up.
I'm not really kind. Im selfish.
If you do get too close, you'll discover the dark side. Ill bewitch you but my poison will slowly destroy you, if you dont keep away.
So what I want the most. I can never have. Cause I dont have what it takes to love someone the way they deserve.
So just save yourself the pain and stay the hell away.
fredag 3 december 2010
onsdag 13 oktober 2010
Can we go the distance?
You're too far away.. I want you near me, always.
I try to push the thought of not seeing you this december out of my mind
but everytime a memory hits me, a memory of your kiss or touch or smell
or anything that reminds me of you and the good times we had,
my heart breaks.
A pain in my chest.
What used to be a nice wander of the mind to a lustfull place has become a red zone where pain resides. And I burn myself as if I put my hand on the stove.
But how I need you! How I want you! How I love you...
How long can I take it? Will I drive myself crazy over this?
So much pain, so much dissappointment and sadness.
You are the best, closest lover and friend. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I adore you and your sweet sillyness. you reached into me in so many ways as no one have.
:(
Why does it have to hurt so much? Love. Why does love have to hurt so much?
I try to push the thought of not seeing you this december out of my mind
but everytime a memory hits me, a memory of your kiss or touch or smell
or anything that reminds me of you and the good times we had,
my heart breaks.
A pain in my chest.
What used to be a nice wander of the mind to a lustfull place has become a red zone where pain resides. And I burn myself as if I put my hand on the stove.
But how I need you! How I want you! How I love you...
How long can I take it? Will I drive myself crazy over this?
So much pain, so much dissappointment and sadness.
You are the best, closest lover and friend. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I adore you and your sweet sillyness. you reached into me in so many ways as no one have.
:(
Why does it have to hurt so much? Love. Why does love have to hurt so much?
fredag 3 september 2010
Autumn winds chill me
- and its only the first days of september!
September! My month! :)
Things are looking up slightly. I have worked this summer, to and fro. A definite improvement since last year. And so far things have gone well. I have another point to put on my resume.
Im not where I wanna be in my life. But I feel Im atleast walking in the right direction.
I have a practice place hopefully comming up, for four weeks at a food store. I only have to impress the store manager and make him believe in me. Not the easiest thing to do, so I hope I can do it!
And I just realized that a food store job was exactly what I wanted to have. For once destiny is playing with me and not against me.
But I shouldnt celebrate yet. First I have to land the practise place. And then impress him so he wants to hire me for extra work after the four weeks.
Cause I will need a job if Im gonna start studying to a chef. Wich I think I have a very good chance of doing. :)
And thumbs crossed that my Love and I will be together this christmas. We both need it so much.
Its a crazy world we live in and we certainly doesnt make it easier for ourselves by mainting this across-the-continents relationship. But what don't you do for love? Are we fools? Is it romantic? Is it unrealistic and hearbreaking?
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I guess sometimes you just have to follow your heart, take a chance and hold on.
Hope is the last thing leaving a person, they say. And my heart wont stop beating for my mexican man.
September! My month! :)
Things are looking up slightly. I have worked this summer, to and fro. A definite improvement since last year. And so far things have gone well. I have another point to put on my resume.
Im not where I wanna be in my life. But I feel Im atleast walking in the right direction.
I have a practice place hopefully comming up, for four weeks at a food store. I only have to impress the store manager and make him believe in me. Not the easiest thing to do, so I hope I can do it!
And I just realized that a food store job was exactly what I wanted to have. For once destiny is playing with me and not against me.
But I shouldnt celebrate yet. First I have to land the practise place. And then impress him so he wants to hire me for extra work after the four weeks.
Cause I will need a job if Im gonna start studying to a chef. Wich I think I have a very good chance of doing. :)
And thumbs crossed that my Love and I will be together this christmas. We both need it so much.
Its a crazy world we live in and we certainly doesnt make it easier for ourselves by mainting this across-the-continents relationship. But what don't you do for love? Are we fools? Is it romantic? Is it unrealistic and hearbreaking?
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I guess sometimes you just have to follow your heart, take a chance and hold on.
Hope is the last thing leaving a person, they say. And my heart wont stop beating for my mexican man.
söndag 11 juli 2010
Hot summers night
I'm lying here in my bed at night and I can't sleep.
I'm supposed to wake up in six hours because I have to go to work then.
I can hardly believe that sentence. Me? Work?!
But it's true. I've finally manage to get a job, an occupation, employment!
But I can't sleep. It's so hot in here. Even though it's midnight the heat from the day lingers and keep me from sleeping.
All the thoughts and questions swarming in my brain doesn't help either.
Neither does the song wich goes like this: "målet är ingenting - vägen är allalalallalalallt".
It means "the destination means nothing- the journey means everything" or "everythihihihihing" hehe.
A very good song and it doesn't leave me alone.
I'm thinking about my future, what I want in life. I'm thinking about this new job and if I'll manage it well. Im thinking about my finantial situation, about education and I'm thinking about love and relationships.
With hope that this little writing will have lifted some mental burdons I'll retire to my bed again.
Let tomorrow be a good day.
Amen.
I'm supposed to wake up in six hours because I have to go to work then.
I can hardly believe that sentence. Me? Work?!
But it's true. I've finally manage to get a job, an occupation, employment!
But I can't sleep. It's so hot in here. Even though it's midnight the heat from the day lingers and keep me from sleeping.
All the thoughts and questions swarming in my brain doesn't help either.
Neither does the song wich goes like this: "målet är ingenting - vägen är allalalallalalallt".
It means "the destination means nothing- the journey means everything" or "everythihihihihing" hehe.
A very good song and it doesn't leave me alone.
I'm thinking about my future, what I want in life. I'm thinking about this new job and if I'll manage it well. Im thinking about my finantial situation, about education and I'm thinking about love and relationships.
With hope that this little writing will have lifted some mental burdons I'll retire to my bed again.
Let tomorrow be a good day.
Amen.
fredag 11 juni 2010
Grattitude - the healing power
I'm thankful for:
- having both parents alive and well.
- having a great sister that I can talk to and joke with without much problem.
I don't belive close sisters like these grows on trees.
- that my mum has found a good love at last. Someone she can be herself with
and do all things she feels like together with him.
- my dad. His optimism, spiritualism and generosity. His nonhesitant will to help. His inspiration.
And the mere practical fact that he let's me stay in his apartment practically for free.
- my cat rudi. His truly a gift from above. I couldn't gave wished for a better cat. He is all I ever wanted in a cat.
So affectionate and never afraid.
- my talents that have been given me for some reason. I'm very happy o have them. Without them I'd be nothing special at all.
My love for music is what brings me most joy. I'm happy I can appreciate music the way I do. It enrichens life in a great way.
- my two years in the art school and most importantly the first one where I grew
and learned and got to experience many new things and people.
- the fact that I'm alive is enough to be thankful of.
- that I'm not living in a place shaken by the terror and misery of war.
- the fact that I'm in reasonably good physical shape.
- that I'm young and still have many years to be a better person.
- all friends I have and have had. The fun times we had. The thoughts and interests we shared. The support they gave me and acceptance.
- last but definitely not least; Ulises. That a twist of destiny put him in my path. The strange and wonderful man who has taught and showed me so much. Given me so much. So much love, appreciation, guiding and time. That has blessed my life with his presence ( if you read it you may think I'm overdoing it but I'm not. All is true. ) inspired me. Impressed me. Touched my heart so many times I can't count them. And made me feel really special too. For that I'm forever grateful.
I could write more.
This list isn't ranked in order of importance.
I lay in my bed thinking about my problems and realized of my dads words of grattitude. How he is thankful every morning for being able to wake up and live another day.
And I realize of my own smallmindedness.
We all need to be more grateful for the things we have.
I know I do atleast.
- having both parents alive and well.
- having a great sister that I can talk to and joke with without much problem.
I don't belive close sisters like these grows on trees.
- that my mum has found a good love at last. Someone she can be herself with
and do all things she feels like together with him.
- my dad. His optimism, spiritualism and generosity. His nonhesitant will to help. His inspiration.
And the mere practical fact that he let's me stay in his apartment practically for free.
- my cat rudi. His truly a gift from above. I couldn't gave wished for a better cat. He is all I ever wanted in a cat.
So affectionate and never afraid.
- my talents that have been given me for some reason. I'm very happy o have them. Without them I'd be nothing special at all.
My love for music is what brings me most joy. I'm happy I can appreciate music the way I do. It enrichens life in a great way.
- my two years in the art school and most importantly the first one where I grew
and learned and got to experience many new things and people.
- the fact that I'm alive is enough to be thankful of.
- that I'm not living in a place shaken by the terror and misery of war.
- the fact that I'm in reasonably good physical shape.
- that I'm young and still have many years to be a better person.
- all friends I have and have had. The fun times we had. The thoughts and interests we shared. The support they gave me and acceptance.
- last but definitely not least; Ulises. That a twist of destiny put him in my path. The strange and wonderful man who has taught and showed me so much. Given me so much. So much love, appreciation, guiding and time. That has blessed my life with his presence ( if you read it you may think I'm overdoing it but I'm not. All is true. ) inspired me. Impressed me. Touched my heart so many times I can't count them. And made me feel really special too. For that I'm forever grateful.
I could write more.
This list isn't ranked in order of importance.
I lay in my bed thinking about my problems and realized of my dads words of grattitude. How he is thankful every morning for being able to wake up and live another day.
And I realize of my own smallmindedness.
We all need to be more grateful for the things we have.
I know I do atleast.
måndag 24 maj 2010
Happy Birthday to you Moma and other darker thoughts.
Ja nu ska jag skriva på svenska för en gångs skull. Undrar hur det ska gå. Om jag fortarande kan uttrycka mig på modersmålet eller för evigt har förlorat mig i engelskans virvlande grepp.
Hur som helst. Dagen var som dagar brukar vara ung, förutom att det var mammas födelsedag. Så hela dagen gick åt åt den. Men det gör inget. Känns skönt att inte ha sig själv som huvud intresse/huvudbry för en gångs skull. Eller det är nog inte helt sant. Jag kan inte låta bli att vara alldeles för självupptagen ibland. (Som nu tex. Argh!)
Vaknade upp med en ofrånkommligt sömnig och betungande trötthet. Hade bara sovit fyra timmar. För jag fastnade i ett youtubemaraton av stand up comedy (RAw Eddie Murphy och Inside the actors studio med Robin Williams)Skrattad men missnöjd och orolig gick jag och la mig igår/imorse, fast besluten att vakna på utsatt tid så jag skulle hinna med pajbakningen. Vilket jag gjorde, med nöd och näppe. Men hela min kropp sa "Gå och lägg dig igen, människa?!"
Åkte således över till mamma där alla var samlade redan. Mamma på ett lätt irriterat och stressat humör men lite glad ändå. Morfar och mormor med respektive, Helena och Tjåken.
Det blev tårtätning, och nyhetsuppdateringar. Samtal om diverse krämpor morföräldrarna emellan och som vanligt så kändes det som om vi var två grupper, separerade av ålder.
Finns så mycket jag kan säga om dem och oss osv. But this is not the time and place, för kl är 2:30 ser jag nu...
Firandet var trevligt, mamma blev hurrad och sjungen för och tyckte om sina presenter. Delikatesserna, eko-kudden och de turkosa fjäder-örhängena. Samt pajen som jag gjorde. T.o.m. Helena och Tjåken godkände den, fast den innehöll de högst tvivelaktiga ingredienserna spenat och fetaost (hehehe).
Efter att gästerna hade gått hem hade mamma och jag ett rätt långt samtal om det ena och det andra. Och det var skönt, för det var så länge sen det hände sist. Blir inte så mycket ensamtid med varandra nuförtiden eftersom hon har Tjåken. Men nu blir det förhoppningsvis mer av det.
Sen kom man hem och efter ett ganska långt tag får man syn på älsklingen som kommer online. Men det är bara en synvilla. För han ska strax, alldeles för snart gå igen.
Och det värker.
Jag blir bara bitter.
Jag vill inte känna så här.
Så otillfrdsställd.
Hur kan en bra dag med sin positiva stämning förstöras så snabbt?
Men jag låtsas som ingenting,
vill inte vara den som klagar för mycket.
Vill inte vara svag.
Men jag fylls av en bitterhet.
Den går inte att hejda.
Blir bara värre för varje gång som går.
Och berätta hur jag känner, dvs "klaga" har jag inget för.
Det bara spär på hans bitterhet.
Vilken är orsaken till hans nonchalans.
Denna nonchalans, denna attityd som sårar.
Som gör att det värker...
Som får mig att tänka "Fuck it!"
Vad är detta? Moment 22?
Varför måste det alltid sluta så här? Vilket problem vi än har, slutar det alltid i denna position.
Känns inte bra. Inte heller bristen på kontakt. Inte heller denna kyla som sprider sig och förbittrar. Det finns en mur emellan oss.
Det känns som om jag förlorat min bästa vän.
Hur som helst. Dagen var som dagar brukar vara ung, förutom att det var mammas födelsedag. Så hela dagen gick åt åt den. Men det gör inget. Känns skönt att inte ha sig själv som huvud intresse/huvudbry för en gångs skull. Eller det är nog inte helt sant. Jag kan inte låta bli att vara alldeles för självupptagen ibland. (Som nu tex. Argh!)
Vaknade upp med en ofrånkommligt sömnig och betungande trötthet. Hade bara sovit fyra timmar. För jag fastnade i ett youtubemaraton av stand up comedy (RAw Eddie Murphy och Inside the actors studio med Robin Williams)Skrattad men missnöjd och orolig gick jag och la mig igår/imorse, fast besluten att vakna på utsatt tid så jag skulle hinna med pajbakningen. Vilket jag gjorde, med nöd och näppe. Men hela min kropp sa "Gå och lägg dig igen, människa?!"
Åkte således över till mamma där alla var samlade redan. Mamma på ett lätt irriterat och stressat humör men lite glad ändå. Morfar och mormor med respektive, Helena och Tjåken.
Det blev tårtätning, och nyhetsuppdateringar. Samtal om diverse krämpor morföräldrarna emellan och som vanligt så kändes det som om vi var två grupper, separerade av ålder.
Finns så mycket jag kan säga om dem och oss osv. But this is not the time and place, för kl är 2:30 ser jag nu...
Firandet var trevligt, mamma blev hurrad och sjungen för och tyckte om sina presenter. Delikatesserna, eko-kudden och de turkosa fjäder-örhängena. Samt pajen som jag gjorde. T.o.m. Helena och Tjåken godkände den, fast den innehöll de högst tvivelaktiga ingredienserna spenat och fetaost (hehehe).
Efter att gästerna hade gått hem hade mamma och jag ett rätt långt samtal om det ena och det andra. Och det var skönt, för det var så länge sen det hände sist. Blir inte så mycket ensamtid med varandra nuförtiden eftersom hon har Tjåken. Men nu blir det förhoppningsvis mer av det.
Sen kom man hem och efter ett ganska långt tag får man syn på älsklingen som kommer online. Men det är bara en synvilla. För han ska strax, alldeles för snart gå igen.
Och det värker.
Jag blir bara bitter.
Jag vill inte känna så här.
Så otillfrdsställd.
Hur kan en bra dag med sin positiva stämning förstöras så snabbt?
Men jag låtsas som ingenting,
vill inte vara den som klagar för mycket.
Vill inte vara svag.
Men jag fylls av en bitterhet.
Den går inte att hejda.
Blir bara värre för varje gång som går.
Och berätta hur jag känner, dvs "klaga" har jag inget för.
Det bara spär på hans bitterhet.
Vilken är orsaken till hans nonchalans.
Denna nonchalans, denna attityd som sårar.
Som gör att det värker...
Som får mig att tänka "Fuck it!"
Vad är detta? Moment 22?
Varför måste det alltid sluta så här? Vilket problem vi än har, slutar det alltid i denna position.
Känns inte bra. Inte heller bristen på kontakt. Inte heller denna kyla som sprider sig och förbittrar. Det finns en mur emellan oss.
Det känns som om jag förlorat min bästa vän.
fredag 14 maj 2010
All in love is fair.
Good day.
Bad day.
Strange day.
All in the same day.
Restless and irritated.
Dancing does me good.
So many pieces missing.
I don't care to explain.
Just like you.
Spring offers a traditional promise
of a better time to come.
A promise so uncertain
I don't dare to believe it.
The new smells, the wet pavement
and romantic flowers of may whispers
of late summer nights
and new young love.
I feel left out.
I feel cheated.
Summer is not going to bring any success.
Summer will dissapoint.
Just as me...
Too many times before.
All in love is fair.
Is btw a song by Stevie wonder.
Bad day.
Strange day.
All in the same day.
Restless and irritated.
Dancing does me good.
So many pieces missing.
I don't care to explain.
Just like you.
Spring offers a traditional promise
of a better time to come.
A promise so uncertain
I don't dare to believe it.
The new smells, the wet pavement
and romantic flowers of may whispers
of late summer nights
and new young love.
I feel left out.
I feel cheated.
Summer is not going to bring any success.
Summer will dissapoint.
Just as me...
Too many times before.
All in love is fair.
Is btw a song by Stevie wonder.
söndag 25 april 2010
Fresh air does you good.
Air!
I can breathe again!
Thank you. For the good conversation.
Your not closed anymore. I see a light in the end of my tunnel.
"we can work it out, we can work it ouuut"
As stevie wonder sings in his song. I think it's "sir duke".
But Im probably wrong...
Anyhow. I feel hope. I feel love. I feel you.
I feel it.
I can breathe again!
Thank you. For the good conversation.
Your not closed anymore. I see a light in the end of my tunnel.
"we can work it out, we can work it ouuut"
As stevie wonder sings in his song. I think it's "sir duke".
But Im probably wrong...
Anyhow. I feel hope. I feel love. I feel you.
I feel it.
lördag 24 april 2010
Heartbreak
I cant take it. It just gets worse and worse. Total disaster.
I see no solace in you anymore. Only coldness.
All thoughts in my head leave me mute.
I love you.
I want your warmness.
Its not there anymore.
The agony.
"Dont cry infront of me. Im not. It wont solve anything."
It kills me.
It feels like being hit with a cold cement wall.
Where is your love? Where is it?
And your response for this will probably be: You brought it upon yourself.
I guess your right.
And I don't deserv you.
Why don't you just leave me and save both of us this pain.
I can't stand your cold indifferance. My tears fall and my heart becoms ice.
I thought you were my boyfriend.
I see no solace in you anymore. Only coldness.
All thoughts in my head leave me mute.
I love you.
I want your warmness.
Its not there anymore.
The agony.
"Dont cry infront of me. Im not. It wont solve anything."
It kills me.
It feels like being hit with a cold cement wall.
Where is your love? Where is it?
And your response for this will probably be: You brought it upon yourself.
I guess your right.
And I don't deserv you.
Why don't you just leave me and save both of us this pain.
I can't stand your cold indifferance. My tears fall and my heart becoms ice.
I thought you were my boyfriend.
torsdag 22 april 2010
I got you , babe - I think.
Btw, its a very good song, by sonny and cher. (I got you babe)
I feel like I don't know myself anymore.
Who I am. My strengths. My good characteristics. Im lost.
I want to be selfdependant. I don't want to need anyone. I want to be the maker of my own happiness.
Sadly that isnt the reality.
And sadly I still need you.
And I need anyone who's kind to me.
And I need my family.
And friends. I act as though I don't sometimes.
Needing people is a two headed sword.
Everyone needs things. Everyone needs other people. No man is an island. That is a universal truth.
"Tend to your needs."
"What you want might not be the same as what you NEED."
But "needy" is a bad word.
You shouldn't need people too much. Then you become dependant on other people. A burdon. An extra dead weight.
That is disgusted by most in this society. Quite naturally. Everyone should participate and help and be useful. Be independant.
What happens to those people that can't help themselves?
They are spitted on. Unwanted people. A shame, a disgrace, a cancer in the society.
The stronger push away the weak. Its natures way. Survival of the fittest.
I am one of those people. One of those weak people.
I need support.
I don't want to need support!
Never ever again.
Ill be miss solitude wanderer. Untouchable and cold. Strong and independant.
Is that what you want?
I am a human of flesh and blood. I have weaknesess. I have faults. I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be? A perfect humanbeing.
"No need for evolution. -Shes perfect!" No need for nothing. No need for you at all.
No.
Aslong as my heart beats the blood in my veins, aslong will I need. Ill need warmth, comfort, support, acceptance, forgiveness, appreciation patience and encouragement.
Pure and simple: LOVE.
Just as any other person.
I feel like I don't know myself anymore.
Who I am. My strengths. My good characteristics. Im lost.
I want to be selfdependant. I don't want to need anyone. I want to be the maker of my own happiness.
Sadly that isnt the reality.
And sadly I still need you.
And I need anyone who's kind to me.
And I need my family.
And friends. I act as though I don't sometimes.
Needing people is a two headed sword.
Everyone needs things. Everyone needs other people. No man is an island. That is a universal truth.
"Tend to your needs."
"What you want might not be the same as what you NEED."
But "needy" is a bad word.
You shouldn't need people too much. Then you become dependant on other people. A burdon. An extra dead weight.
That is disgusted by most in this society. Quite naturally. Everyone should participate and help and be useful. Be independant.
What happens to those people that can't help themselves?
They are spitted on. Unwanted people. A shame, a disgrace, a cancer in the society.
The stronger push away the weak. Its natures way. Survival of the fittest.
I am one of those people. One of those weak people.
I need support.
I don't want to need support!
Never ever again.
Ill be miss solitude wanderer. Untouchable and cold. Strong and independant.
Is that what you want?
I am a human of flesh and blood. I have weaknesess. I have faults. I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be? A perfect humanbeing.
"No need for evolution. -Shes perfect!" No need for nothing. No need for you at all.
No.
Aslong as my heart beats the blood in my veins, aslong will I need. Ill need warmth, comfort, support, acceptance, forgiveness, appreciation patience and encouragement.
Pure and simple: LOVE.
Just as any other person.
måndag 19 april 2010
blå måndag
Why do you build me up?
Buttercup baby
just to let me down
and mess me around.
And worst of all
you never come baby
when you say you will
but I love you still!
I need you!
More than anyone darling,
you know that I have from the start.
So build me up, Buttercup.
But don't break my heart...
_______
Day, started pretty bad, except for alot of weird dream. One of them where your mum was very nice to me, even nicer than usual and there was no problem talking to her at all and gave me small sweets with nougat in them. You were in my dreams also.
Strange how it works. Before my trip I could never get a clear picture of you in the dreams. Well my dreams are never so clear as I'd wish but now he's there allmost every night.
Lovely weather today again. Its getting warmer and warmer. Im looking forward to when its around 20 degrees so I don't have to freeze at all. Today I biked on my red bike in only my spring jacket. It was still a little cold but it felt good. We are heading towards lighter and greener times.
I came to mum and spent the afternoon and evening with her. Cuddled with Rudi. Completed the interview sheet with her, took an hour. Drank coffe and ate dark chocolate. Ate leftover lovely curry chicken with couscous dinner. And then we biked to the independant movie theatre were we saw a very interesting movie called Bright Star.
Its a costume movie about the brittish romantic poet John Keats. He was a poor, sensitive guy who was inlove with the very hot tempered Fanny Brawnes, a talented richer girl who liked to make her own clothes. Sadly he got ill when he was only 25 and died away from Fanny, thinking he was totally worthless as a poet.
It was a beautiful movie. And sometimes funny. And it reminded me about how tearing burning, longing love can be. How she waited for his letters. She said something like this in the movie:
"When he hasn't sent me a letter it feels like Im going to die. And then when the letter finally arrives I get new air in my loungs, I can breathe and the world make sence again. Its the only world I care for, the one we have created together."
And I can recognize myself in that kind of thinking. Though it was a long time since I felt it was a "matter of life and death" for me. Only alittle bit. I allmost wish it was. But I know that feeling is consuming and harmful. But wow, if you don't feel alive!
Its not as honey sweet for me anymore. The love has definitelly losts it's innocence. Its starting to feel rather bitter and dusty.
I still long, I still need. I still want. I still love (you). But sometimes I get so tired and irritated and I feel like giving up. I'm left unsatisfied anyhow. Whats the point of reaching out and making myself voulnerable over and over when I get no response? The reaches get weaker and weaker. The responses and surges of new life lesser. The new attempts fewer. Will it die?
I don't know...
And I can't complain with you. Cause I am no angel either. I let you down and I give you a constant nagging headache for all the things I am not and the things I havn't done. And it feels like what you miss most is the physical pleasure I supplied.
And you are busy. And you don't feel it like you used to...
So here we are.
You and me.
I am continuing with my mission of providing for myself.
But our relationship is pretty bad already. You are supposed to be my partner and best friend.
- And you don't answer my mails like a normal person.
It doesn't matter if I explain the unspoken rules of communication, does it?
You have stopped listening.
I am just an irritating bird in your ear repeating big words like "communication" to you.
I don't care anymore to explain it. I told you already several times. How much it matters to me. I can hint it, I can be direct and write it in BOLD CAPITALS. What's the use? Same result. - Nothin' !
You have a bad habit thinking that if you have nothing special to reply like a direct question or request, you rather not answer at all. Like it would be better?!
Now im tired. In many ways. Better sleep.
Bye bye.
I still Love you. I wanna make it work...
I want to isnpire you and make you interested in me. Discuss with you again. Share. But we need time for that. Do I fit in anymore? Do I?
Think about that.
Buttercup baby
just to let me down
and mess me around.
And worst of all
you never come baby
when you say you will
but I love you still!
I need you!
More than anyone darling,
you know that I have from the start.
So build me up, Buttercup.
But don't break my heart...
_______
Day, started pretty bad, except for alot of weird dream. One of them where your mum was very nice to me, even nicer than usual and there was no problem talking to her at all and gave me small sweets with nougat in them. You were in my dreams also.
Strange how it works. Before my trip I could never get a clear picture of you in the dreams. Well my dreams are never so clear as I'd wish but now he's there allmost every night.
Lovely weather today again. Its getting warmer and warmer. Im looking forward to when its around 20 degrees so I don't have to freeze at all. Today I biked on my red bike in only my spring jacket. It was still a little cold but it felt good. We are heading towards lighter and greener times.
I came to mum and spent the afternoon and evening with her. Cuddled with Rudi. Completed the interview sheet with her, took an hour. Drank coffe and ate dark chocolate. Ate leftover lovely curry chicken with couscous dinner. And then we biked to the independant movie theatre were we saw a very interesting movie called Bright Star.
Its a costume movie about the brittish romantic poet John Keats. He was a poor, sensitive guy who was inlove with the very hot tempered Fanny Brawnes, a talented richer girl who liked to make her own clothes. Sadly he got ill when he was only 25 and died away from Fanny, thinking he was totally worthless as a poet.
It was a beautiful movie. And sometimes funny. And it reminded me about how tearing burning, longing love can be. How she waited for his letters. She said something like this in the movie:
"When he hasn't sent me a letter it feels like Im going to die. And then when the letter finally arrives I get new air in my loungs, I can breathe and the world make sence again. Its the only world I care for, the one we have created together."
And I can recognize myself in that kind of thinking. Though it was a long time since I felt it was a "matter of life and death" for me. Only alittle bit. I allmost wish it was. But I know that feeling is consuming and harmful. But wow, if you don't feel alive!
Its not as honey sweet for me anymore. The love has definitelly losts it's innocence. Its starting to feel rather bitter and dusty.
I still long, I still need. I still want. I still love (you). But sometimes I get so tired and irritated and I feel like giving up. I'm left unsatisfied anyhow. Whats the point of reaching out and making myself voulnerable over and over when I get no response? The reaches get weaker and weaker. The responses and surges of new life lesser. The new attempts fewer. Will it die?
I don't know...
And I can't complain with you. Cause I am no angel either. I let you down and I give you a constant nagging headache for all the things I am not and the things I havn't done. And it feels like what you miss most is the physical pleasure I supplied.
And you are busy. And you don't feel it like you used to...
So here we are.
You and me.
I am continuing with my mission of providing for myself.
But our relationship is pretty bad already. You are supposed to be my partner and best friend.
- And you don't answer my mails like a normal person.
It doesn't matter if I explain the unspoken rules of communication, does it?
You have stopped listening.
I am just an irritating bird in your ear repeating big words like "communication" to you.
I don't care anymore to explain it. I told you already several times. How much it matters to me. I can hint it, I can be direct and write it in BOLD CAPITALS. What's the use? Same result. - Nothin' !
You have a bad habit thinking that if you have nothing special to reply like a direct question or request, you rather not answer at all. Like it would be better?!
Now im tired. In many ways. Better sleep.
Bye bye.
I still Love you. I wanna make it work...
I want to isnpire you and make you interested in me. Discuss with you again. Share. But we need time for that. Do I fit in anymore? Do I?
Think about that.
tisdag 13 april 2010
Moody sunny thoughtful Martes
Im tired of computers! Im tired of Tv's! I wanna do something meaningful. Somehting creative. Something active.
Im tired of myself and my inadequaties and moaning sadness.
Im tired of loneliness. Im tired of being by myself. Im tired of imposing on my mum and her "boyfriend" a saturday night cause I have nothing better to do. Hanging with my family to keep the loneliness away. No bad about my family - I love them, but I need some other people in my life too. Im tired of my life. I want another one. An upgrade. Kamillas life 2.0 please arrive soon!
Since my biggest energydrainer is that my beloved is far far away, I need soemthing to sustain me. To hold on to. Apart from longing and hope.
Spring is here. Blessed sunny spring is here with its bird singing and perky little vibrant flowers popping up here and there.
And what are my prospects? What is my income?
I wanna buy new light, fresh spring clothes. Cool spring high heal shoes.
Today I visited the homepage of artschool and to my delight I saw a painting that I made two years ago that finally has been put up there. A painting of a womans back. And I admired myself. Thinking that Im not half bad. But what happened with that...
Wasted talent. and the words from "A bronx tale" ring in my ears:
"There is nothing sadder in this world than wasted talent".
I wanna paint again. Use my colors, maybe ask granddad if I can join him and paint..
I think I'm gonna do that.
Its not like I have better things to do. Except getting a job.
This is the last week of the jobcenter. Afterwards Im gonna be in a sort of "guarantee" where I more or less mind my own business, attend meetings and send in applications for money while searching for jobs. Damn degrading business.
Hopefully though I get to be in a kitchen for some weeks to practise cooking and if they think I have what it takes I can begin a longer education. I hope for that.
I wanna try something new. Somthing practical. I wanna have a new skill. I want to feel good at somehting again. Boost my selfasteem. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now Im gonna say good night and sleep.
Untill next time!
Im tired of myself and my inadequaties and moaning sadness.
Im tired of loneliness. Im tired of being by myself. Im tired of imposing on my mum and her "boyfriend" a saturday night cause I have nothing better to do. Hanging with my family to keep the loneliness away. No bad about my family - I love them, but I need some other people in my life too. Im tired of my life. I want another one. An upgrade. Kamillas life 2.0 please arrive soon!
Since my biggest energydrainer is that my beloved is far far away, I need soemthing to sustain me. To hold on to. Apart from longing and hope.
Spring is here. Blessed sunny spring is here with its bird singing and perky little vibrant flowers popping up here and there.
And what are my prospects? What is my income?
I wanna buy new light, fresh spring clothes. Cool spring high heal shoes.
Today I visited the homepage of artschool and to my delight I saw a painting that I made two years ago that finally has been put up there. A painting of a womans back. And I admired myself. Thinking that Im not half bad. But what happened with that...
Wasted talent. and the words from "A bronx tale" ring in my ears:
"There is nothing sadder in this world than wasted talent".
I wanna paint again. Use my colors, maybe ask granddad if I can join him and paint..
I think I'm gonna do that.
Its not like I have better things to do. Except getting a job.
This is the last week of the jobcenter. Afterwards Im gonna be in a sort of "guarantee" where I more or less mind my own business, attend meetings and send in applications for money while searching for jobs. Damn degrading business.
Hopefully though I get to be in a kitchen for some weeks to practise cooking and if they think I have what it takes I can begin a longer education. I hope for that.
I wanna try something new. Somthing practical. I wanna have a new skill. I want to feel good at somehting again. Boost my selfasteem. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now Im gonna say good night and sleep.
Untill next time!
fredag 9 april 2010
another friday
Its raining outside. Very grey, bpring day.
I need a pick me up. Im too low again. But I don't want to weight you down.
The job interviews got turned down and my still hopes for the summer is now vanished.
I need you by my side baby. Thats allmost all I think about.
I need something to do, and I need money. I have these cravings of things I wanna buy. More than usual. I suppose it's because there is little chance in the world I can buy anything at all at the moment and that makes me feel this way.
I read something that was embroidered on a peice of cloth on the wall at grandmas house last sunday. (we were there to celebrate easter. Ate lamb and eggs and all and all it was very nice, we laughed alot.)
It says:
Happiness is
to have something to do
someone to love and
something to hope for.
And I think it's very true.
That is my goal in life, as it is right now. (that and to keep myself healthy and diciplined)
Happiness lies in the small simple things.
Good food, good company,family, nature, culture, hobbies. Doing somehting for another person. Making someone smile and laugh. Being a part of a crowd, joined together by a single thing. Being alone in the nature, enjoying the weather and colours. But mostly, you are the most happy when you can share a moment with someone dear to you. Those are the moments you take to your heart and remember for a long time.
In my heart there is still a hope for us to have many of those happy moments together.
I need a pick me up. Im too low again. But I don't want to weight you down.
The job interviews got turned down and my still hopes for the summer is now vanished.
I need you by my side baby. Thats allmost all I think about.
I need something to do, and I need money. I have these cravings of things I wanna buy. More than usual. I suppose it's because there is little chance in the world I can buy anything at all at the moment and that makes me feel this way.
I read something that was embroidered on a peice of cloth on the wall at grandmas house last sunday. (we were there to celebrate easter. Ate lamb and eggs and all and all it was very nice, we laughed alot.)
It says:
Happiness is
to have something to do
someone to love and
something to hope for.
And I think it's very true.
That is my goal in life, as it is right now. (that and to keep myself healthy and diciplined)
Happiness lies in the small simple things.
Good food, good company,family, nature, culture, hobbies. Doing somehting for another person. Making someone smile and laugh. Being a part of a crowd, joined together by a single thing. Being alone in the nature, enjoying the weather and colours. But mostly, you are the most happy when you can share a moment with someone dear to you. Those are the moments you take to your heart and remember for a long time.
In my heart there is still a hope for us to have many of those happy moments together.
fredag 2 april 2010
Friday of pain.
And once again my world came crushing down on me.
I can't win.
If you don't want me, Leave me!
If I am not what your searching for, Leave me!
If you don't care anymore. Leave me...
Why are you hanging on to me if thats how you feel?
You said it. You keep on looking for it, but its never there.
You have lost the will to explain what It is to me.
My heart breaks and I cry my heart out...
I AM affected by you!
What you say. Your advices. I TOO take them into account.
I am looking for a damn job am I not? (I moved to this apartment, cause you wanted to. I could have taken another spanish class, but I took your advice. Yes I am stubborn...I dont like to be told what to do. I know. Im trying to work on it...but sometimes I require a little respect. Im not an employee you can order around.)
I know things are far from fixed when it comes to my life. But its on its way..
Am I not improving?
Maybe It's too late now.
Maybe we just dont speak the same language.
Maybe we never did.
I want to stay and keep on fighting.
Whats your position?
Or do you not love me anymore...?
I love YOU :(
I love you I love you I love you!
I dont want you to leave me.
But maybe I can never make you happy Ulises. I want you to be happy.
I can't win.
If you don't want me, Leave me!
If I am not what your searching for, Leave me!
If you don't care anymore. Leave me...
Why are you hanging on to me if thats how you feel?
You said it. You keep on looking for it, but its never there.
You have lost the will to explain what It is to me.
My heart breaks and I cry my heart out...
I AM affected by you!
What you say. Your advices. I TOO take them into account.
I am looking for a damn job am I not? (I moved to this apartment, cause you wanted to. I could have taken another spanish class, but I took your advice. Yes I am stubborn...I dont like to be told what to do. I know. Im trying to work on it...but sometimes I require a little respect. Im not an employee you can order around.)
I know things are far from fixed when it comes to my life. But its on its way..
Am I not improving?
Maybe It's too late now.
Maybe we just dont speak the same language.
Maybe we never did.
I want to stay and keep on fighting.
Whats your position?
Or do you not love me anymore...?
I love YOU :(
I love you I love you I love you!
I dont want you to leave me.
But maybe I can never make you happy Ulises. I want you to be happy.
torsdag 1 april 2010
Aprils fools day!
And no-one has fooled me today. What a shame.
hehe. It's nice to get fooled sometimes. In an innocent way ofcourse.
Things are looking up I think.
I come in time to jobcenter. I do my stuff..most of it hehe. (A little lazy when it comes to the cleaning and dishwashing. But how boring wouldn't it be if I was perfect? :P )
Today was a good day. Only a half day at the jobcenter. My jobcoach from Jobzone(that I met for the first time in mondays) called me as arranged this morning for our phonemeeting :) We discussed my CV and and personal letter and she gave me feedback on that. It was very nice. She said I have a good language when I write, it's flowing and pleasant to read. ALways nice to hear such things.
Then I got home, ate my porkchop lunch and watched "dogwhisperer" with cesar milan (he's originally from mexico I think hehe.)He's a great packleader and really understand canine phsycology. Its really interesting and my new favourite show.
Then I went to micka and she took us by car (real fancy car..that has a wing on the trunk like a speedway car) to the swimhall. And we swimmed for a while, mostly talking since we're both pretty out of shape. And she told me about the necklaces she and her mum are making and invited me to a fair they are going to participate in. Interesting.
Then, tired of the excersize we went home to her place and drank tea and ate alot of sandwiches...
There went my plans of making carrot pasta with lobstertail sauce out the window. But its not an issue, Ill make it tomorrow instead.
We talked alot about different things and afterwards she showed me some earrings and necklaces that she and her mum had maid. They looked nice.
And now I'm home. Just finnished a call to Ann-Kim that was happy to hear from me for a change (usually she's the one that calls me) and shes fine. Apart from that human ulcer of a boyfriend she has. But well well...she's starting her new job tomorrow. That's a good thing.
Otherwise the week has been fine.
Met the jobcoach in mondays at the library where we went through my situation.
I got back the result of the jobinterview from mcdonalds..and its negative.
I hold my thumps for the other job. I went to another interview this thuesday. Its for young people that needs to get into the labour market. Just like me. So I went for this interview about a job in a childrens dining hall. I think it went rather well... I don't know yet. But I really hope I get it. It's only part time job, half day. So I could get another parttime job after it. If I manage to, that is...
(and that way I could have alotta money!!! I really want money this time. I want money to save. I want to be able to live decently. Not having to think carefully all the time about expenditure.)
In wednesdays I went home to mum after the weekly coffe with dad and helena and ate pancaces with mum, helena and tjåken. Then helena and I watched half of this movie called whip-it. its with ellen page (juno), a girl in a small town in texas(?) that wants to get away from her boring life and join a skaterally team. (lots of angry chicks on rollerskates pushing eatchother around while racing, sort of). Quite good. I think we'll watch the rest tomorrow.
Last weekend didnt contain so much worth mentioning apart from the sightings of "white-tailed eagles" (eller som de heter på svenska; havsörnar) in the early saturday with dad. It appears as though we were photographed also. We were in the newspaper with our backs towards the camera haha. Of course..such a celeebrityy like me cant escape the papparazzis ;P.
Well here is a link of the web article, they didnt post the same photo. This one is taken a bit earlier on the day I presume.
http://e-verkstaden.se/artikelmall.asp?version=874532
Anyhow it was a nice outting.
ANd later in the evening Helena and I celebrated earthour by sitting in the candlelit darkness, watching a movie (Fame) and eating chips.
And this weekend is easter weekend! Yay! There is going to plenty of delicious easter food and candy and we're also going to meet grandma and the uncles and cousins one day. Havent seen them since november/december...
and tomorrow I have a free day (as on monday!) I can sleep longer and stay up longer :) (wink wink, nudge nudge)
Well..Now Im gonna go and do somehting else.
Dad tipped me about a book from this danish philosopher called Martinus that's supposed to be very enlightening.
Untill next time...
hehe. It's nice to get fooled sometimes. In an innocent way ofcourse.
Things are looking up I think.
I come in time to jobcenter. I do my stuff..most of it hehe. (A little lazy when it comes to the cleaning and dishwashing. But how boring wouldn't it be if I was perfect? :P )
Today was a good day. Only a half day at the jobcenter. My jobcoach from Jobzone(that I met for the first time in mondays) called me as arranged this morning for our phonemeeting :) We discussed my CV and and personal letter and she gave me feedback on that. It was very nice. She said I have a good language when I write, it's flowing and pleasant to read. ALways nice to hear such things.
Then I got home, ate my porkchop lunch and watched "dogwhisperer" with cesar milan (he's originally from mexico I think hehe.)He's a great packleader and really understand canine phsycology. Its really interesting and my new favourite show.
Then I went to micka and she took us by car (real fancy car..that has a wing on the trunk like a speedway car) to the swimhall. And we swimmed for a while, mostly talking since we're both pretty out of shape. And she told me about the necklaces she and her mum are making and invited me to a fair they are going to participate in. Interesting.
Then, tired of the excersize we went home to her place and drank tea and ate alot of sandwiches...
There went my plans of making carrot pasta with lobstertail sauce out the window. But its not an issue, Ill make it tomorrow instead.
We talked alot about different things and afterwards she showed me some earrings and necklaces that she and her mum had maid. They looked nice.
And now I'm home. Just finnished a call to Ann-Kim that was happy to hear from me for a change (usually she's the one that calls me) and shes fine. Apart from that human ulcer of a boyfriend she has. But well well...she's starting her new job tomorrow. That's a good thing.
Otherwise the week has been fine.
Met the jobcoach in mondays at the library where we went through my situation.
I got back the result of the jobinterview from mcdonalds..and its negative.
I hold my thumps for the other job. I went to another interview this thuesday. Its for young people that needs to get into the labour market. Just like me. So I went for this interview about a job in a childrens dining hall. I think it went rather well... I don't know yet. But I really hope I get it. It's only part time job, half day. So I could get another parttime job after it. If I manage to, that is...
(and that way I could have alotta money!!! I really want money this time. I want money to save. I want to be able to live decently. Not having to think carefully all the time about expenditure.)
In wednesdays I went home to mum after the weekly coffe with dad and helena and ate pancaces with mum, helena and tjåken. Then helena and I watched half of this movie called whip-it. its with ellen page (juno), a girl in a small town in texas(?) that wants to get away from her boring life and join a skaterally team. (lots of angry chicks on rollerskates pushing eatchother around while racing, sort of). Quite good. I think we'll watch the rest tomorrow.
Last weekend didnt contain so much worth mentioning apart from the sightings of "white-tailed eagles" (eller som de heter på svenska; havsörnar) in the early saturday with dad. It appears as though we were photographed also. We were in the newspaper with our backs towards the camera haha. Of course..such a celeebrityy like me cant escape the papparazzis ;P.
Well here is a link of the web article, they didnt post the same photo. This one is taken a bit earlier on the day I presume.
http://e-verkstaden.se/artikelmall.asp?version=874532
Anyhow it was a nice outting.
ANd later in the evening Helena and I celebrated earthour by sitting in the candlelit darkness, watching a movie (Fame) and eating chips.
And this weekend is easter weekend! Yay! There is going to plenty of delicious easter food and candy and we're also going to meet grandma and the uncles and cousins one day. Havent seen them since november/december...
and tomorrow I have a free day (as on monday!) I can sleep longer and stay up longer :) (wink wink, nudge nudge)
Well..Now Im gonna go and do somehting else.
Dad tipped me about a book from this danish philosopher called Martinus that's supposed to be very enlightening.
Untill next time...
tisdag 23 mars 2010
stepping forwards..yet again.
The weekend was pleasant and effective containing of laundry, story watching on tv, and friends and family.
Firstly on friday we watched the finnishing chapters of the swedish tv-series "girl on the stonebench...and the white shadows among the trees" (I think it's the correct name). And well...it was exciting with a happy end, though a bit sudden I think.
On wednesday I washed clothed at dad and Ingers and sat with Inger in the living room and talked and talked about "life" as she told dad. It felt good. I havn't talked to her like that in a while.
Then in the evening I went over to Micka and together we made dinner. Carrot pasta with lobster tails in a creamy sauce. It was unusual and tasty. A spring dish. We talked alot during the dinner, about her decition to get pregnant in the fall for example...
It's exciting. But feels kind of weird when a friend, my age, is thinking about babies when I couldnt be further from that place...
Then we went to rent a movie and buy some candy and cheese doodles. A whole lot of unhealthy stuff hehe. But damn it felt like old times, when we used to meet micka, me and linda at mickas, sit all three in her couch under a thick blanket in her room and have movie nights like that. Same place when I started drink light alcoholic cider for the first time.
Anyway..it was a good movie. "Timetravelers Wife". I recommend it for all who loves a good love story. Its about a time traveler, who has no control over his ability. How he and the girl manage to have their life together and how their destinys are woven together. Really fascinating.
Something that caught my ear, somehting they said in the extras:
how fleeting and short the moments of happiness are, how we much grab them when they come and enjoy them the best we can, because thats all there is. And I recognize that. Very much.
Then after that a chat date with Prieto...
Sunday I had to go back to ingers and wash another load. And another nice time at their place. Then off to mum for a sundays dinner. meeting mum, helena and tjåken. Tjåken was excited about his blueberry chocolate :P (and his hand-made blueberry wine that he and mum has drunken off many saturday nights. The retro 70-ties people...and we shouldn't mention the hideous stews they make. Food that contains of the most weird combinations, all mixed together like pig food. Practical, economical, probably nutritious and back to the basics. But waaaay to spicy. Mum stop using ethiopian spice! Thank god she made something normal this time.)
Anywho...
Mum and I got a chance for ourselves to talk also.
A lot of talking this weekend. I was all burned out for all the social activity, plus going to sleep too late two days in a row after a week of going to sleep at around 12 every night.
Then in monday. I was too tired I overslept and woke up 30 min before I was about to BE at the jobcenter. I called in sick and spend the day taking care of laundry, and dishes and resting. Feeling slightly bad with myself. This is what happens. I can't even stay up late in weekends. It ruins my orderly laid foundation.
Thuesday. - on time. :)
Spend the whole day in job center reading pages on internet about interviews. some where quite funny. There were actually a guy who suggested (I hope he was kidding) that you should not greet the interviewer, just run around in the room for a while then lay flat on the ground on the carpet in the middle of the room and roll yourself inside of it, pretending you are a cabbage roll! hehe..well there were some good and serious tips too.
Then I got stood up by mum after the job center. She was supposed to meet me in town. And calls five minuets afterwards, not appologizing, only telling me she's not gonna be there in an angry tone. Wth...well. I guess it serves me right for all the times I've been late. But I think its bad of her. Just because I have behaved badly doesnt mean others should copy me...
The I was on the interview. Pretty stressfull. Alot of people. I saw therese there. It was a nice surprise. Shes very professional and admireable I think. Always looks flawless. Like its always been between us two since we were five hehe. She looks like the polished princess and I look like the monkey/troll. Both ate icecream. She was spotless, I had icecream around my mouth and drops on my clothes...
anywho..Ill know the answer in a week.
Tomorrow Im not going to jobcenter since they are closed so Ill clean the apartment, meet dad and helena as usual and then go over to mums and sow a curtain for the living room.
Talking about home decorating...Ive finally decided what to do with the kitchen. I've gotten some inspiration to decide what colors to use and I picked:
yellow - for the warmth
pink - for the girlyness and contrast against the white-greyish colours in there
green - for the calming effect
Its gonna be nice to get the change, its really needed and feels good to have reached a desition even though it tan't be put into work yet but hopefully next month.
well..Ive used my less rigid timelimit far enough now so Im going to bed.
Good night!
Ps..if anyone would write me a comment or two it would be very appreciated. :)
Firstly on friday we watched the finnishing chapters of the swedish tv-series "girl on the stonebench...and the white shadows among the trees" (I think it's the correct name). And well...it was exciting with a happy end, though a bit sudden I think.
On wednesday I washed clothed at dad and Ingers and sat with Inger in the living room and talked and talked about "life" as she told dad. It felt good. I havn't talked to her like that in a while.
Then in the evening I went over to Micka and together we made dinner. Carrot pasta with lobster tails in a creamy sauce. It was unusual and tasty. A spring dish. We talked alot during the dinner, about her decition to get pregnant in the fall for example...
It's exciting. But feels kind of weird when a friend, my age, is thinking about babies when I couldnt be further from that place...
Then we went to rent a movie and buy some candy and cheese doodles. A whole lot of unhealthy stuff hehe. But damn it felt like old times, when we used to meet micka, me and linda at mickas, sit all three in her couch under a thick blanket in her room and have movie nights like that. Same place when I started drink light alcoholic cider for the first time.
Anyway..it was a good movie. "Timetravelers Wife". I recommend it for all who loves a good love story. Its about a time traveler, who has no control over his ability. How he and the girl manage to have their life together and how their destinys are woven together. Really fascinating.
Something that caught my ear, somehting they said in the extras:
how fleeting and short the moments of happiness are, how we much grab them when they come and enjoy them the best we can, because thats all there is. And I recognize that. Very much.
Then after that a chat date with Prieto...
Sunday I had to go back to ingers and wash another load. And another nice time at their place. Then off to mum for a sundays dinner. meeting mum, helena and tjåken. Tjåken was excited about his blueberry chocolate :P (and his hand-made blueberry wine that he and mum has drunken off many saturday nights. The retro 70-ties people...and we shouldn't mention the hideous stews they make. Food that contains of the most weird combinations, all mixed together like pig food. Practical, economical, probably nutritious and back to the basics. But waaaay to spicy. Mum stop using ethiopian spice! Thank god she made something normal this time.)
Anywho...
Mum and I got a chance for ourselves to talk also.
A lot of talking this weekend. I was all burned out for all the social activity, plus going to sleep too late two days in a row after a week of going to sleep at around 12 every night.
Then in monday. I was too tired I overslept and woke up 30 min before I was about to BE at the jobcenter. I called in sick and spend the day taking care of laundry, and dishes and resting. Feeling slightly bad with myself. This is what happens. I can't even stay up late in weekends. It ruins my orderly laid foundation.
Thuesday. - on time. :)
Spend the whole day in job center reading pages on internet about interviews. some where quite funny. There were actually a guy who suggested (I hope he was kidding) that you should not greet the interviewer, just run around in the room for a while then lay flat on the ground on the carpet in the middle of the room and roll yourself inside of it, pretending you are a cabbage roll! hehe..well there were some good and serious tips too.
Then I got stood up by mum after the job center. She was supposed to meet me in town. And calls five minuets afterwards, not appologizing, only telling me she's not gonna be there in an angry tone. Wth...well. I guess it serves me right for all the times I've been late. But I think its bad of her. Just because I have behaved badly doesnt mean others should copy me...
The I was on the interview. Pretty stressfull. Alot of people. I saw therese there. It was a nice surprise. Shes very professional and admireable I think. Always looks flawless. Like its always been between us two since we were five hehe. She looks like the polished princess and I look like the monkey/troll. Both ate icecream. She was spotless, I had icecream around my mouth and drops on my clothes...
anywho..Ill know the answer in a week.
Tomorrow Im not going to jobcenter since they are closed so Ill clean the apartment, meet dad and helena as usual and then go over to mums and sow a curtain for the living room.
Talking about home decorating...Ive finally decided what to do with the kitchen. I've gotten some inspiration to decide what colors to use and I picked:
yellow - for the warmth
pink - for the girlyness and contrast against the white-greyish colours in there
green - for the calming effect
Its gonna be nice to get the change, its really needed and feels good to have reached a desition even though it tan't be put into work yet but hopefully next month.
well..Ive used my less rigid timelimit far enough now so Im going to bed.
Good night!
Ps..if anyone would write me a comment or two it would be very appreciated. :)
torsdag 18 mars 2010
waiting, wishing, hoping / moving on and forwards.
Thursday.
I came 10 min in time!
Luck was on my side today with the whole bus-situation.
There are two possible buses that I can take, the first make me come well in time and the second brings me there with just a few minuits before nine.
And today I headed out for the first...not compleatly sure I'd make it. (It should be said that I live about 3-4 min away from the bus-stop and I can't see it from my apartment.) But I wasn't so stressed out cause I could still take the second and be fairly on time.
And there I was walking, watching my clock, seeing that I should have missed it by now, not worrying about it and when I was 50 meters away from the stop I saw it comming (again) and thought..
"Ah wth..if I just had run alittle I would have made it!" and then
"Wth, why not run now? whats the worst thing that's gonna happen, I'll miss it, "again"? I was already fine with it." So I charged ahead, not really believing it would still be there when I arrived, but luckily an older man had some errand with the bus driver so the bus was there still standing!
I couldn't believe the luck! Good start of the day!
(This might seam like small potatoes, but Im usually not a person with flow, so it was memorable for me.)
Otherwise it was a pretty good day.
half of the day there was a seminar about heath and diet.
- What to eat and how much of it, when to eat and what and how much of it and...
- How important excercising is, what happens if you do it, what happens if you don't.
- How important rest and sleep is, for everything and especially rebuilding of muscles when you excercise.
- Fashion diets are bad for you. Forget about GI and thank me later.
- Carbs is very necessary for the energylevel. You should eat 25% of your daily diet in breakfast, 30% in lunch, 20% in dinner and the rest, 25% should be 3 inbetween snacks. between breakfast and lunch, around 10am, "pm-snack" around 3pm and night-snack around 8pm and then it should be somehting very light. like an apple. NO EATING BEFORE SLEEPING! that only causes your enerylevel to rise and you'll get sleeping problems.
- how to excercise to burn fat. what fat to eat to burn bad-fat, hard fat (omega fat is good for ya).
- how to excercise to increase condition ; the heart's ability to pump blood into the system.
well all and all, very usefull info that I sort of had heard already. But it was a nice refreshing.
After that there was a 45 min "relaxation period". We lay on a little carpet with a blanket over us, listening to a tape telling us to breath slowly and deeply, tensing different body parts and then relax them. It was very soothing. After a while I was so drowsy from that calm voice I driften confusingly in and out of sleep not really keepin count on wich body part it was. and then it was over and we listened to just some music instead and I lay there inbetween a state of awake and alseep and dreamt weird things, waking up when I realized that the familiar words wasnt in my dream but came from the song and was in spanish.
Then other half of the day I filled in a long form on the homepage and sent an application to Ica Maxi stormarknad, a food store chain. It's something atleast.
After that I went home to mums, played alittle piano, cuddled with rudi, helped her with shopping, bought delicious "tuna in mousse"cat food can for rudi and ate with mum, helena and tjåken.
Then we biked off to celebrate granddad on his 73rd birthday. It was nice, very appatizing snacks. Mainly elder people there though. But it was nice.
The highpoint of the evening was when one of the men, after some time of chatting with Tjåken and mum about this and that, asked if he knew this "Tjåken" personally...hahaha
(tjåken is well known figure in many cultural circles in västerås, since he is a fotographer and is in many circumstances and unions. Sort of a mysterious fellow, but appreciated. "An original")
Helena and I also got a little fancy box each of Birgitta. Mine was a heart berlock with a (I think) 1700-century motif on the front (half naked ladies sitting in a forest).
After that I was invited by a neighbour to them, an 80 year old lady, to see the paintings she had made. A lot of aquarelle, kind of interesting. "Inspirations, imaginative" paintings. I got one with pink flowers that now is on my kitchen wall.
Tomorrow it's only half day at the jobcenter and then I have to get home to meet a guy that's gonna take a look at the laundry machine. Maybe he can fix it. :)
Now its time to clean up here alittle and get to bed.
My days have been alot more busy this week. Its stimulating and I need the rest.
I'm sure gonna appreciate the extra hours in the weekend in my bed hehehe...
Btw..I love my Iphone. Such a clever little thing. It has it all, allmost. Internet, phone, ipod, mails, messages, weather, calendar, maps, facebook, skype, spotify, really good cam, diary, my dear pictures and last but not least the fun finger piano. And all very accessable and easy peasy. Very Very Nice.
g'nait
I came 10 min in time!
Luck was on my side today with the whole bus-situation.
There are two possible buses that I can take, the first make me come well in time and the second brings me there with just a few minuits before nine.
And today I headed out for the first...not compleatly sure I'd make it. (It should be said that I live about 3-4 min away from the bus-stop and I can't see it from my apartment.) But I wasn't so stressed out cause I could still take the second and be fairly on time.
And there I was walking, watching my clock, seeing that I should have missed it by now, not worrying about it and when I was 50 meters away from the stop I saw it comming (again) and thought..
"Ah wth..if I just had run alittle I would have made it!" and then
"Wth, why not run now? whats the worst thing that's gonna happen, I'll miss it, "again"? I was already fine with it." So I charged ahead, not really believing it would still be there when I arrived, but luckily an older man had some errand with the bus driver so the bus was there still standing!
I couldn't believe the luck! Good start of the day!
(This might seam like small potatoes, but Im usually not a person with flow, so it was memorable for me.)
Otherwise it was a pretty good day.
half of the day there was a seminar about heath and diet.
- What to eat and how much of it, when to eat and what and how much of it and...
- How important excercising is, what happens if you do it, what happens if you don't.
- How important rest and sleep is, for everything and especially rebuilding of muscles when you excercise.
- Fashion diets are bad for you. Forget about GI and thank me later.
- Carbs is very necessary for the energylevel. You should eat 25% of your daily diet in breakfast, 30% in lunch, 20% in dinner and the rest, 25% should be 3 inbetween snacks. between breakfast and lunch, around 10am, "pm-snack" around 3pm and night-snack around 8pm and then it should be somehting very light. like an apple. NO EATING BEFORE SLEEPING! that only causes your enerylevel to rise and you'll get sleeping problems.
- how to excercise to burn fat. what fat to eat to burn bad-fat, hard fat (omega fat is good for ya).
- how to excercise to increase condition ; the heart's ability to pump blood into the system.
well all and all, very usefull info that I sort of had heard already. But it was a nice refreshing.
After that there was a 45 min "relaxation period". We lay on a little carpet with a blanket over us, listening to a tape telling us to breath slowly and deeply, tensing different body parts and then relax them. It was very soothing. After a while I was so drowsy from that calm voice I driften confusingly in and out of sleep not really keepin count on wich body part it was. and then it was over and we listened to just some music instead and I lay there inbetween a state of awake and alseep and dreamt weird things, waking up when I realized that the familiar words wasnt in my dream but came from the song and was in spanish.
Then other half of the day I filled in a long form on the homepage and sent an application to Ica Maxi stormarknad, a food store chain. It's something atleast.
After that I went home to mums, played alittle piano, cuddled with rudi, helped her with shopping, bought delicious "tuna in mousse"cat food can for rudi and ate with mum, helena and tjåken.
Then we biked off to celebrate granddad on his 73rd birthday. It was nice, very appatizing snacks. Mainly elder people there though. But it was nice.
The highpoint of the evening was when one of the men, after some time of chatting with Tjåken and mum about this and that, asked if he knew this "Tjåken" personally...hahaha
(tjåken is well known figure in many cultural circles in västerås, since he is a fotographer and is in many circumstances and unions. Sort of a mysterious fellow, but appreciated. "An original")
Helena and I also got a little fancy box each of Birgitta. Mine was a heart berlock with a (I think) 1700-century motif on the front (half naked ladies sitting in a forest).
After that I was invited by a neighbour to them, an 80 year old lady, to see the paintings she had made. A lot of aquarelle, kind of interesting. "Inspirations, imaginative" paintings. I got one with pink flowers that now is on my kitchen wall.
Tomorrow it's only half day at the jobcenter and then I have to get home to meet a guy that's gonna take a look at the laundry machine. Maybe he can fix it. :)
Now its time to clean up here alittle and get to bed.
My days have been alot more busy this week. Its stimulating and I need the rest.
I'm sure gonna appreciate the extra hours in the weekend in my bed hehehe...
Btw..I love my Iphone. Such a clever little thing. It has it all, allmost. Internet, phone, ipod, mails, messages, weather, calendar, maps, facebook, skype, spotify, really good cam, diary, my dear pictures and last but not least the fun finger piano. And all very accessable and easy peasy. Very Very Nice.
g'nait
onsdag 17 mars 2010
Dear diary...and other qliché stuff.
Sort of nice day today.
Little hectic. Im constantly under the preassure of not coming late to the jobcenter. I really have to pull myself together and master myself..it doensn't always come through all the way, today I missed the bus - again!
I saw it pass by and I was about 50 m away from the bus stop. No chance of catching it. So it was off to the bike again and I arrived at the jobcenter 2 min too late.
But then in work I managed to apply for two jobs - one cleaning job and a stressfull one for the tax agency - putting the info from the tax applications into a computer for 4-6 straight weeks.
So Im pretty content with that.
Tomorrow I'm gonna take a seminar called "diet and health".
Then off to meet dad and Helena for the weekly coffe and talk. And it was nice as always. Dad tampered with the lock on my bike and finally he told me I should buy a new one. So I did and then biked home to mum for dinner and hanged out with Helena, watching this old swedish series on a dvd, a filmatisation of a swedish book series. We laughed at the hilarious weirdness and exaggerated acting. I also practised some piano.
My new iphone and its "finger piano" app is very helpfull indeed. Im gonna learn some tunes I like the most with it's help...
Then it was the wednesday's tradition of Grays Anatomy.
And then I had to go home. Its late already, past 11 so I must tuck myself in.
Good night world.
(Prieto...do you miss me? You're in my mind all day long.)
Little hectic. Im constantly under the preassure of not coming late to the jobcenter. I really have to pull myself together and master myself..it doensn't always come through all the way, today I missed the bus - again!
I saw it pass by and I was about 50 m away from the bus stop. No chance of catching it. So it was off to the bike again and I arrived at the jobcenter 2 min too late.
But then in work I managed to apply for two jobs - one cleaning job and a stressfull one for the tax agency - putting the info from the tax applications into a computer for 4-6 straight weeks.
So Im pretty content with that.
Tomorrow I'm gonna take a seminar called "diet and health".
Then off to meet dad and Helena for the weekly coffe and talk. And it was nice as always. Dad tampered with the lock on my bike and finally he told me I should buy a new one. So I did and then biked home to mum for dinner and hanged out with Helena, watching this old swedish series on a dvd, a filmatisation of a swedish book series. We laughed at the hilarious weirdness and exaggerated acting. I also practised some piano.
My new iphone and its "finger piano" app is very helpfull indeed. Im gonna learn some tunes I like the most with it's help...
Then it was the wednesday's tradition of Grays Anatomy.
And then I had to go home. Its late already, past 11 so I must tuck myself in.
Good night world.
(Prieto...do you miss me? You're in my mind all day long.)
tisdag 16 mars 2010
Gold thuesday
Good thing is that winter is finally melting away abit
bad thing is that when it freezes over night the ice becomes hazardous!
Money problem solved
- sold old gold necklace for 880 kr.
Well...temporarily solved.
I saw something interesting in the newspaper this morning, apparently the gold and jewelary stores buy gold from you. especially old stuff and there i saw my chance..
I went looking in my drawers and found this, not so old actually, necklace that I got from my grandpa and his wife in confirmation present or something. Hidious thing that i never have worn. Its a chain that 50 year old ladies wear. Its very typical of the style of grandpas wife and sadly it will never be my style. So I don't think I'll miss it. But my heart sank a little when I handed it over to the store clerk. I hope they never ask me about it...
It was a rather good day. I missed the buss by a minuit so I rannn all the way back again to my bike and biked like an animal to the jobcenter. I thought I was going to be late and loose everything. I allmost did. I was about 5 min too late, but they didnt complain. I told them when I came up there to sign in my name, all flushed, havily breathing and sweaty that I missed the buss and they seamed ok. joked alittle about my appearance only...but I don't blame them. I looked like a beaten down beaver.
Then my jobguide told me that there was a seminar that day and asked if I wanted to participate and I said yes.
It was about getting into the other perspective of a jobinterview - meaning the interviewer, the employer. and we got four jobapplications for a fictive job add and then decided wich we should cut and wich three should come on interview. And rank them, who was our favourite for the job. And after that we got the chance to see all four on an interview on dvd and see if it changed our decition. And it sort of did.
All very interesting and inspiring and we were only four people there, excluding the man holding the seminar but it took all day.
I now realize that my CV needs to be rewritten abit and also that I need to rehearse interview situations.
Then I biked home and under a tunnel in the city I slipped on the damn ice again and I landed on all fours and allmost flew out on the street and allmost tripped another guy comming after me. And then I picked myself up quickly, cursing the ice and began walking and I didnt realize untill I reached the red lights that my bag was missing!
So I went back and thought it lay there somewhere on the side and I walked up and down the road but no sign of it. It wasnt trashed in the street either. Then when I was about to loose hope and felt the tears and despair cooming up - my 880 kr was in that bag! then I heard a woman with a black dog and this loud wailing noice, calling after me "Is it your bag?" And I was so relieved. That wailing noise turned out to be my attack-alarm. So all safe and sound..but tomorrow Im taking the bus!
Now Im gonna eat my potatoe-leek-soup, watch alittle gossip girl and take out my chocolate cake from the oven. Yummy...
bad thing is that when it freezes over night the ice becomes hazardous!
Money problem solved
- sold old gold necklace for 880 kr.
Well...temporarily solved.
I saw something interesting in the newspaper this morning, apparently the gold and jewelary stores buy gold from you. especially old stuff and there i saw my chance..
I went looking in my drawers and found this, not so old actually, necklace that I got from my grandpa and his wife in confirmation present or something. Hidious thing that i never have worn. Its a chain that 50 year old ladies wear. Its very typical of the style of grandpas wife and sadly it will never be my style. So I don't think I'll miss it. But my heart sank a little when I handed it over to the store clerk. I hope they never ask me about it...
It was a rather good day. I missed the buss by a minuit so I rannn all the way back again to my bike and biked like an animal to the jobcenter. I thought I was going to be late and loose everything. I allmost did. I was about 5 min too late, but they didnt complain. I told them when I came up there to sign in my name, all flushed, havily breathing and sweaty that I missed the buss and they seamed ok. joked alittle about my appearance only...but I don't blame them. I looked like a beaten down beaver.
Then my jobguide told me that there was a seminar that day and asked if I wanted to participate and I said yes.
It was about getting into the other perspective of a jobinterview - meaning the interviewer, the employer. and we got four jobapplications for a fictive job add and then decided wich we should cut and wich three should come on interview. And rank them, who was our favourite for the job. And after that we got the chance to see all four on an interview on dvd and see if it changed our decition. And it sort of did.
All very interesting and inspiring and we were only four people there, excluding the man holding the seminar but it took all day.
I now realize that my CV needs to be rewritten abit and also that I need to rehearse interview situations.
Then I biked home and under a tunnel in the city I slipped on the damn ice again and I landed on all fours and allmost flew out on the street and allmost tripped another guy comming after me. And then I picked myself up quickly, cursing the ice and began walking and I didnt realize untill I reached the red lights that my bag was missing!
So I went back and thought it lay there somewhere on the side and I walked up and down the road but no sign of it. It wasnt trashed in the street either. Then when I was about to loose hope and felt the tears and despair cooming up - my 880 kr was in that bag! then I heard a woman with a black dog and this loud wailing noice, calling after me "Is it your bag?" And I was so relieved. That wailing noise turned out to be my attack-alarm. So all safe and sound..but tomorrow Im taking the bus!
Now Im gonna eat my potatoe-leek-soup, watch alittle gossip girl and take out my chocolate cake from the oven. Yummy...
måndag 15 mars 2010
monday
Things were looking up alittle today. (were)
I came in time (!) and I did what I should in there, filed a job application and decided what jobcoach I wanted. Allmost fell asleep, but managed not to..there is something about that place, about staring at a computer screen that early in the morning that makes me soooo sleepy.
And I had a tasty lunch with me, the jobcoach smiled when I came (on time again) after lunch and signed in my name again.
Well so far so good..
Then...I came to the store and were going to groseryshop and I was going to pay in the counter..and it said "does not agree" in the little monitor. So I had to go out and extract money and go back and take away some stuff of the list to be able to pay.
And now I have no money in my account. :S
And there is half the month left.
I have alittle on a savings account...but it wont last that long.
I hate this.
I don't want to live in these kind of circumstances!
And I can't come to late to the jobplace or they will kick me out.
Im in quite a spot now.
And the damn washing machine doesnt work.
Just great. Awesome...
And on top of it, Im thinking about you...far too much and I miss you. Everything about you. I keep thinking about all the little details I love about you and the arousing ones and I blush...and I wish you were here.
I want to dance.
I want to take your clothes off...
But you're there. Faar far away in a far off land on a far away continent.
And all I can do here is focus on material, practical things.
I guess it's a nice change. Well needed one. And it takes my mind off my loneliness a little...
You have to promise to come here soon. To make my life full of colours again. To make me relax, to make me smile and shine. And I'll promise you'll be proud of me, that I'll make you happy and that you'll feel good.
Please..I don't want to wait too long...
Time to wash the dishes, prepair lunch for tomorrow, watch "community college" and then straight to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. And I can't be late...
I came in time (!) and I did what I should in there, filed a job application and decided what jobcoach I wanted. Allmost fell asleep, but managed not to..there is something about that place, about staring at a computer screen that early in the morning that makes me soooo sleepy.
And I had a tasty lunch with me, the jobcoach smiled when I came (on time again) after lunch and signed in my name again.
Well so far so good..
Then...I came to the store and were going to groseryshop and I was going to pay in the counter..and it said "does not agree" in the little monitor. So I had to go out and extract money and go back and take away some stuff of the list to be able to pay.
And now I have no money in my account. :S
And there is half the month left.
I have alittle on a savings account...but it wont last that long.
I hate this.
I don't want to live in these kind of circumstances!
And I can't come to late to the jobplace or they will kick me out.
Im in quite a spot now.
And the damn washing machine doesnt work.
Just great. Awesome...
And on top of it, Im thinking about you...far too much and I miss you. Everything about you. I keep thinking about all the little details I love about you and the arousing ones and I blush...and I wish you were here.
I want to dance.
I want to take your clothes off...
But you're there. Faar far away in a far off land on a far away continent.
And all I can do here is focus on material, practical things.
I guess it's a nice change. Well needed one. And it takes my mind off my loneliness a little...
You have to promise to come here soon. To make my life full of colours again. To make me relax, to make me smile and shine. And I'll promise you'll be proud of me, that I'll make you happy and that you'll feel good.
Please..I don't want to wait too long...
Time to wash the dishes, prepair lunch for tomorrow, watch "community college" and then straight to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. And I can't be late...
torsdag 11 mars 2010
thursday
Better day today than yesterday.
At least I got to the job center though I fell off my bike on the way there. Its gonna leave a big bruise on my hip.
Since I felt so bad about my disastrous yesterday I put more effort into it today and I sent away three job applications. I also went on a info meeting and learned that I have to pick out a job coach for next friday. And also got some tips on jobs I can apply for. By this time, since there are soooo many unemployed young people in this town I'll take whatever I can get.
Later in the day I met with my friend Ann-kim who recently moved out of town and is on visit. We ate mcdonalds and sat there and talked for about two hours. It felt very good. It was as if she never left, besides that she has and is living an entire different life now. But knowing ann-kim, I know that she'll adjust in no-time over there and she'll be ok.
Yesterday dad showed me a book among all the different weird books he has in his bookshelf. A little blue, battered one called "To open inner doors" and its a sort of religious book, atleast its about getting closer to god and every day has a special upplifting and wise text. Like today is called:
Work FOR My laws, not against them
And its about letting go of inner tensions by following the laws of god, to surrender to them. To surrender to the belief that god knows best and what is best for me. To let him guide me and show me my way. But for that I have to trust..
I dont know if I can trust. And I don't like to be forced to do stuff without having total confidence in them. I have a big scepcism against god and religion. Im far too practical to believe in what I can't see. What can't be prooved. Though the texts does help, most of them. They are relaxing and soothing to read. But I feel a bit like a hypocrite cause everytime it mention God I get irritated.
Now I have to sleep.
Over and out.
At least I got to the job center though I fell off my bike on the way there. Its gonna leave a big bruise on my hip.
Since I felt so bad about my disastrous yesterday I put more effort into it today and I sent away three job applications. I also went on a info meeting and learned that I have to pick out a job coach for next friday. And also got some tips on jobs I can apply for. By this time, since there are soooo many unemployed young people in this town I'll take whatever I can get.
Later in the day I met with my friend Ann-kim who recently moved out of town and is on visit. We ate mcdonalds and sat there and talked for about two hours. It felt very good. It was as if she never left, besides that she has and is living an entire different life now. But knowing ann-kim, I know that she'll adjust in no-time over there and she'll be ok.
Yesterday dad showed me a book among all the different weird books he has in his bookshelf. A little blue, battered one called "To open inner doors" and its a sort of religious book, atleast its about getting closer to god and every day has a special upplifting and wise text. Like today is called:
Work FOR My laws, not against them
And its about letting go of inner tensions by following the laws of god, to surrender to them. To surrender to the belief that god knows best and what is best for me. To let him guide me and show me my way. But for that I have to trust..
I dont know if I can trust. And I don't like to be forced to do stuff without having total confidence in them. I have a big scepcism against god and religion. Im far too practical to believe in what I can't see. What can't be prooved. Though the texts does help, most of them. They are relaxing and soothing to read. But I feel a bit like a hypocrite cause everytime it mention God I get irritated.
Now I have to sleep.
Over and out.
onsdag 10 mars 2010
Down she fell like Alice into the dark rabbit hole..
Ive done it again.
Just face it..Im a screw up. You could do so much better.
Can't believe I let it happen again. I fucked up. I didn't deliver. Again.
I missed it. I got all dressed up and fixed my CV and printed it out in the library and when I got there it was already over. Crying I biked home, condemning myself. All for nothing. Again.
What am I gonna tell them tomorrow?
Again and again and again I let you down, and others and myself.
I want to stop this chain of dissappointment.
I need help.
Maybe I should get a therapist or something...
Just face it..Im a screw up. You could do so much better.
Can't believe I let it happen again. I fucked up. I didn't deliver. Again.
I missed it. I got all dressed up and fixed my CV and printed it out in the library and when I got there it was already over. Crying I biked home, condemning myself. All for nothing. Again.
What am I gonna tell them tomorrow?
Again and again and again I let you down, and others and myself.
I want to stop this chain of dissappointment.
I need help.
Maybe I should get a therapist or something...
tisdag 9 mars 2010
Lost
I feel a bit lost.
I feel I don't know myself anymore. I used to be described as a good in school, organized girl. A little quiet, talking to low and shy perhaps but always there, no skipping class, attentivly listening, good grades. What happened to that girl?
What happened to the orderliness and structure? What happened to the once considered good girl?
I feel I lost her long ago.
I want to become miss responsability again.
Not necesarily weridly-quiet-shy girl, but the one considered to be one of the good ones.
Though I can't say I was a wonder of structure then either. Always doing homework and studying for tests last minuit. But I paid attention in class. No problem with focusing.
What happened?
Maybe it decreased with my diminishing faith in the future..that happened in my junior high and highschool years.
My diminishing faith in myself and my future...
I want to regain it. I want to believe. I want to strengthen and develop in a good sence, without taking any steps backwards or dissappointments.
Nice normal harmonious pace. Building a fundation. Firmly set in reality.
I want to feel good with myself.
To be happy.
Secure in myself and my abilities.
But how and where to start?
I feel I don't know myself anymore. I used to be described as a good in school, organized girl. A little quiet, talking to low and shy perhaps but always there, no skipping class, attentivly listening, good grades. What happened to that girl?
What happened to the orderliness and structure? What happened to the once considered good girl?
I feel I lost her long ago.
I want to become miss responsability again.
Not necesarily weridly-quiet-shy girl, but the one considered to be one of the good ones.
Though I can't say I was a wonder of structure then either. Always doing homework and studying for tests last minuit. But I paid attention in class. No problem with focusing.
What happened?
Maybe it decreased with my diminishing faith in the future..that happened in my junior high and highschool years.
My diminishing faith in myself and my future...
I want to regain it. I want to believe. I want to strengthen and develop in a good sence, without taking any steps backwards or dissappointments.
Nice normal harmonious pace. Building a fundation. Firmly set in reality.
I want to feel good with myself.
To be happy.
Secure in myself and my abilities.
But how and where to start?
måndag 15 februari 2010
By your side baby
I feel alittle more happy today. Maybe It's cause I drank coffe. Maybe it's cause I talked to Ulises and we had a good valentine's conversation.
I dreamt well after that.
Im still angry at myself. Im still dissapointed at myself. I still wish I was someone better.
But..I feel a bit happier today. Maybe my future won't be so bad after all...
Who knows?
I feel like composing,singing, dancing, drawing and painting. Some way to express myself.
I wanna be close to animals...I want to be in inspirational places, I want to talk to inspirational people. I want to cook delicious meals. I want to be proud of myself and appretiated by people.
Anyone think I can do it?
I hope so...
I hope so. :)
I dreamt well after that.
Im still angry at myself. Im still dissapointed at myself. I still wish I was someone better.
But..I feel a bit happier today. Maybe my future won't be so bad after all...
Who knows?
I feel like composing,singing, dancing, drawing and painting. Some way to express myself.
I wanna be close to animals...I want to be in inspirational places, I want to talk to inspirational people. I want to cook delicious meals. I want to be proud of myself and appretiated by people.
Anyone think I can do it?
I hope so...
I hope so. :)
fredag 12 februari 2010
Out of this world
When we look back at it as I know we will
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?
And I know we have to go
I know we only get to stay so long
Always have to go back to real lives
Where we belong
When we think back on all this and I'm sure we will
Me and you here and now
Will we forget how it really is?
Why it feels like this and how?
And we always have to go I realize
And we always have to say good bye
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are the reason
why we want to live another life
We want to feel another time, another time
Another time
We look back at it all as I know we will
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?
I know we have to go
I realize we always have to turn away
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are why we stay for another dream
Another day, for another world
another way, for another way
One last time before its over
One last time before the end
One last time before it's time to go again.
(the cure)
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?
And I know we have to go
I know we only get to stay so long
Always have to go back to real lives
Where we belong
When we think back on all this and I'm sure we will
Me and you here and now
Will we forget how it really is?
Why it feels like this and how?
And we always have to go I realize
And we always have to say good bye
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are the reason
why we want to live another life
We want to feel another time, another time
Another time
We look back at it all as I know we will
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?
I know we have to go
I realize we always have to turn away
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are why we stay for another dream
Another day, for another world
another way, for another way
One last time before its over
One last time before the end
One last time before it's time to go again.
(the cure)
torsdag 11 februari 2010
dear diary
I wish...
I wish so many things. I wish someone could tell me what Im supposed to do with my life. Wich road to take...
I wish someone could give me a better sence of self preservation. A better working inner motor. More motivation.
But things like this just doesnt fall into one's lap, do they?
Where do I start?
Fake it untill you make it? Is that how to do it? To force myself..? To just take it, just endure it, though it doesnt feel right?
How can I make myself better? How can I change?
Do I even want to change? Really doesnt seam like I do...
I know I need to. For my own sake.
God if your up there, help me find strength, help me find truth, help me be a better version of me. Help me be a better person for other people. For me to actually be an aid in life and not a burdon.
I dont really believe in you god.
But where can I turn? I, myself dont have the answers to my questions, I, myself can't help me...
But I need a sign, a light, a path...a way.
I need an opening from my hole, my destructive bubble.
I wish so many things. I wish someone could tell me what Im supposed to do with my life. Wich road to take...
I wish someone could give me a better sence of self preservation. A better working inner motor. More motivation.
But things like this just doesnt fall into one's lap, do they?
Where do I start?
Fake it untill you make it? Is that how to do it? To force myself..? To just take it, just endure it, though it doesnt feel right?
How can I make myself better? How can I change?
Do I even want to change? Really doesnt seam like I do...
I know I need to. For my own sake.
God if your up there, help me find strength, help me find truth, help me be a better version of me. Help me be a better person for other people. For me to actually be an aid in life and not a burdon.
I dont really believe in you god.
But where can I turn? I, myself dont have the answers to my questions, I, myself can't help me...
But I need a sign, a light, a path...a way.
I need an opening from my hole, my destructive bubble.
onsdag 10 februari 2010
"ouch" says my heart
Why am I so damn sensitive?
I was sort of happy all day and then I call you, hopefull, to hear you, to talk alittle, about somehting random... (I need to hear from you. I need it, like the air I breath)
And you can't talk.
And your not exactly excited to get a call.
I hear it in your voice.
I know..I may be stupid to react like this, cause you are busy with your everyday-things.
But I can't stop the slight pain growing in my chest after I hang up.
After I pretended it was ok.
It's not.
I miss you so much...
I was sort of happy all day and then I call you, hopefull, to hear you, to talk alittle, about somehting random... (I need to hear from you. I need it, like the air I breath)
And you can't talk.
And your not exactly excited to get a call.
I hear it in your voice.
I know..I may be stupid to react like this, cause you are busy with your everyday-things.
But I can't stop the slight pain growing in my chest after I hang up.
After I pretended it was ok.
It's not.
I miss you so much...
onsdag 3 februari 2010
emotions rushing through me
Apart from everything...all the hurt...
Some days ago you told me Im your dream girl...
(This may not be accurate anymore, but im writing as though it would be. Forgive me incase im wrong. If so you can just ignore this.)
...what part of me is that exactly?
Don't tell me its my artistic streak or physical appearance.
That is not enough...not enough to love me so much as you say you do.
I cause you so much pain and we are so different that I cant seam to stop dissapoint you.
What is it that you love?
When you truly love someone you forgive their faults and flaws.
Love is not fear. (fear is the opposite of love; neither can be where the other excist)
Love is trust. (without it - fear = no love)
I trust you, I accept you as you are and I love you.
YOU.
and one last thing...
Maybe the dream girl is real only when you are asleep.
_________________________________
I just had to get this out of me.
I don't want it to end.
But we need clarity.
And if we're going to be together
you have to trust me, eventually
and I have to give you a stronger
reason to trust me. Be more trustworthy.
Neither of us can live without it.
And you need to stop being so negative.
For your own happiness sake.
I love you,
I have loved you for a long time now,
I have never stopped and I'm not intending to.
What will happen in the future,
I can't honestly tell you,
as little as you would be able to yourself.
I can't promise you I'll love you forever.
And you can't either, if you really think about it.
We can only hold on to eachother and hope for the best.
Love eachother the best we can,
handle life's problems together when they come the best we can. (the best we are able to, individually speaking)
That is all.
Thats all you can expect from another person, Being Fair.
And that is the thruth...about all relationships.
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship or
love at first sight. Match made in heaven.
Call me cynical...in this matter, Im a realist.
Something I've learned, among other things, is that relationships are Fragile.
I had already heard it somewhere...and i could theoretically understand it.
Now...I know.
Some days ago you told me Im your dream girl...
(This may not be accurate anymore, but im writing as though it would be. Forgive me incase im wrong. If so you can just ignore this.)
...what part of me is that exactly?
Don't tell me its my artistic streak or physical appearance.
That is not enough...not enough to love me so much as you say you do.
I cause you so much pain and we are so different that I cant seam to stop dissapoint you.
What is it that you love?
When you truly love someone you forgive their faults and flaws.
Love is not fear. (fear is the opposite of love; neither can be where the other excist)
Love is trust. (without it - fear = no love)
I trust you, I accept you as you are and I love you.
YOU.
and one last thing...
Maybe the dream girl is real only when you are asleep.
_________________________________
I just had to get this out of me.
I don't want it to end.
But we need clarity.
And if we're going to be together
you have to trust me, eventually
and I have to give you a stronger
reason to trust me. Be more trustworthy.
Neither of us can live without it.
And you need to stop being so negative.
For your own happiness sake.
I love you,
I have loved you for a long time now,
I have never stopped and I'm not intending to.
What will happen in the future,
I can't honestly tell you,
as little as you would be able to yourself.
I can't promise you I'll love you forever.
And you can't either, if you really think about it.
We can only hold on to eachother and hope for the best.
Love eachother the best we can,
handle life's problems together when they come the best we can. (the best we are able to, individually speaking)
That is all.
Thats all you can expect from another person, Being Fair.
And that is the thruth...about all relationships.
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship or
love at first sight. Match made in heaven.
Call me cynical...in this matter, Im a realist.
Something I've learned, among other things, is that relationships are Fragile.
I had already heard it somewhere...and i could theoretically understand it.
Now...I know.
lördag 16 januari 2010
Souvenir
I get flashbacks from my trip all the time. Some makes me think and analyse, some makes me warm inside with a smile on my face. Some leave me quite depressed when I think of what I can't have. (You)
But Ulises, Im gonna do it!
Im gonna turn my situation around.
You say nothing happened to me during this trip.
I havnt forgotten our talks about my bad behaviour patterns.
And the way I react to things. My lazyness and selfpity.
I dont think I can change every bad thing about me.
But I'll try.
I dont know what the future holds for us, I really don't. But I hope it holds something, cause you make me feel good inside. And I love you.
Sorry for the past romanticism...but its a part of me, like the part that loves art and music. And im sorry if it is strange for you. Cause I wish I could share it.
(I guess i fell in love with you all over again, not meaning i fell out before, but It deepened and the reality of my boring life here without you hit me once again)
But Ulises, Im gonna do it!
Im gonna turn my situation around.
You say nothing happened to me during this trip.
I havnt forgotten our talks about my bad behaviour patterns.
And the way I react to things. My lazyness and selfpity.
I dont think I can change every bad thing about me.
But I'll try.
I dont know what the future holds for us, I really don't. But I hope it holds something, cause you make me feel good inside. And I love you.
Sorry for the past romanticism...but its a part of me, like the part that loves art and music. And im sorry if it is strange for you. Cause I wish I could share it.
(I guess i fell in love with you all over again, not meaning i fell out before, but It deepened and the reality of my boring life here without you hit me once again)
fredag 15 januari 2010
back home again - give me your warmth
Wandering round in this winter wonderland
and it feels like i had a quite strange
but wonderful dream of three weeks.
I dreamt I flew across the atlantic
all the way to exotic mexico
to meet a man/boy.
And my heart felt things for him I cant forget.
In his presence i felt alive,
adored, happy, slightly better version of myself.
I also felt some negative things.
I did some things wrong. And I got ill.
But all of that fades when i think of his eyes,
his smile, our laughs, our moments of connection,
of passion, of silly playfighting on the livingroom floor...
Walking holding hands. It felt like home being with him.
And now im damned to a life without it.
And I can't forget.
Hes not a perfect greek god, but i love every shape of his body.
He's demanding and challenge me.
Many times i end up feeling bad.
Sometimes he's rather unsensitive and hit my weak spots and then get angry when i get hurt.
Sometimes he's too stubborn and silent.
Sometimes he forgets about me infront of his friends.
Sometimes he'd rather be fair than forgiving.
But all of these things i can bare.
All of it is worth it.
Because he knows me like no other.
Because he loves me like no other.
Because I'm addicted.
Addicted to his smell, his touch, his piggy laugh, his stupid jokes, his voice and his flaws.
Hes my man, he is for me. Im his...and what can I say...
Im in love.
But why must he live so far away?
and it feels like i had a quite strange
but wonderful dream of three weeks.
I dreamt I flew across the atlantic
all the way to exotic mexico
to meet a man/boy.
And my heart felt things for him I cant forget.
In his presence i felt alive,
adored, happy, slightly better version of myself.
I also felt some negative things.
I did some things wrong. And I got ill.
But all of that fades when i think of his eyes,
his smile, our laughs, our moments of connection,
of passion, of silly playfighting on the livingroom floor...
Walking holding hands. It felt like home being with him.
And now im damned to a life without it.
And I can't forget.
Hes not a perfect greek god, but i love every shape of his body.
He's demanding and challenge me.
Many times i end up feeling bad.
Sometimes he's rather unsensitive and hit my weak spots and then get angry when i get hurt.
Sometimes he's too stubborn and silent.
Sometimes he forgets about me infront of his friends.
Sometimes he'd rather be fair than forgiving.
But all of these things i can bare.
All of it is worth it.
Because he knows me like no other.
Because he loves me like no other.
Because I'm addicted.
Addicted to his smell, his touch, his piggy laugh, his stupid jokes, his voice and his flaws.
Hes my man, he is for me. Im his...and what can I say...
Im in love.
But why must he live so far away?
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