Moody sunny thoughtful Martes

Im tired of computers! Im tired of Tv's! I wanna do something meaningful. Somehting creative. Something active.

Im tired of myself and my inadequaties and moaning sadness.

Im tired of loneliness. Im tired of being by myself. Im tired of imposing on my mum and her "boyfriend" a saturday night cause I have nothing better to do. Hanging with my family to keep the loneliness away. No bad about my family - I love them, but I need some other people in my life too. Im tired of my life. I want another one. An upgrade. Kamillas life 2.0 please arrive soon!

Since my biggest energydrainer is that my beloved is far far away, I need soemthing to sustain me. To hold on to. Apart from longing and hope.

Spring is here. Blessed sunny spring is here with its bird singing and perky little vibrant flowers popping up here and there.
And what are my prospects? What is my income?
I wanna buy new light, fresh spring clothes. Cool spring high heal shoes.

Today I visited the homepage of artschool and to my delight I saw a painting that I made two years ago that finally has been put up there. A painting of a womans back. And I admired myself. Thinking that Im not half bad. But what happened with that...
Wasted talent. and the words from "A bronx tale" ring in my ears:
"There is nothing sadder in this world than wasted talent".

I wanna paint again. Use my colors, maybe ask granddad if I can join him and paint..
I think I'm gonna do that.

Its not like I have better things to do. Except getting a job.

This is the last week of the jobcenter. Afterwards Im gonna be in a sort of "guarantee" where I more or less mind my own business, attend meetings and send in applications for money while searching for jobs. Damn degrading business.
Hopefully though I get to be in a kitchen for some weeks to practise cooking and if they think I have what it takes I can begin a longer education. I hope for that.
I wanna try something new. Somthing practical. I wanna have a new skill. I want to feel good at somehting again. Boost my selfasteem. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now Im gonna say good night and sleep.
Untill next time!