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Why do you build me up?
Buttercup baby
just to let me down
and mess me around.
And worst of all
you never come baby
when you say you will
but I love you still!
I need you!
More than anyone darling,
you know that I have from the start.
So build me up, Buttercup.
But don't break my heart...
_______

Day, started pretty bad, except for alot of weird dream. One of them where your mum was very nice to me, even nicer than usual and there was no problem talking to her at all and gave me small sweets with nougat in them. You were in my dreams also.
Strange how it works. Before my trip I could never get a clear picture of you in the dreams. Well my dreams are never so clear as I'd wish but now he's there allmost every night.

Lovely weather today again. Its getting warmer and warmer. Im looking forward to when its around 20 degrees so I don't have to freeze at all. Today I biked on my red bike in only my spring jacket. It was still a little cold but it felt good. We are heading towards lighter and greener times.

I came to mum and spent the afternoon and evening with her. Cuddled with Rudi. Completed the interview sheet with her, took an hour. Drank coffe and ate dark chocolate. Ate leftover lovely curry chicken with couscous dinner. And then we biked to the independant movie theatre were we saw a very interesting movie called Bright Star.
Its a costume movie about the brittish romantic poet John Keats. He was a poor, sensitive guy who was inlove with the very hot tempered Fanny Brawnes, a talented richer girl who liked to make her own clothes. Sadly he got ill when he was only 25 and died away from Fanny, thinking he was totally worthless as a poet.

It was a beautiful movie. And sometimes funny. And it reminded me about how tearing burning, longing love can be. How she waited for his letters. She said something like this in the movie:
"When he hasn't sent me a letter it feels like Im going to die. And then when the letter finally arrives I get new air in my loungs, I can breathe and the world make sence again. Its the only world I care for, the one we have created together."

And I can recognize myself in that kind of thinking. Though it was a long time since I felt it was a "matter of life and death" for me. Only alittle bit. I allmost wish it was. But I know that feeling is consuming and harmful. But wow, if you don't feel alive!
Its not as honey sweet for me anymore. The love has definitelly losts it's innocence. Its starting to feel rather bitter and dusty.
I still long, I still need. I still want. I still love (you). But sometimes I get so tired and irritated and I feel like giving up. I'm left unsatisfied anyhow. Whats the point of reaching out and making myself voulnerable over and over when I get no response? The reaches get weaker and weaker. The responses and surges of new life lesser. The new attempts fewer. Will it die?
I don't know...

And I can't complain with you. Cause I am no angel either. I let you down and I give you a constant nagging headache for all the things I am not and the things I havn't done. And it feels like what you miss most is the physical pleasure I supplied.

And you are busy. And you don't feel it like you used to...

So here we are.
You and me.


I am continuing with my mission of providing for myself.
But our relationship is pretty bad already. You are supposed to be my partner and best friend.
- And you don't answer my mails like a normal person.
It doesn't matter if I explain the unspoken rules of communication, does it?
You have stopped listening.
I am just an irritating bird in your ear repeating big words like "communication" to you.
I don't care anymore to explain it. I told you already several times. How much it matters to me. I can hint it, I can be direct and write it in BOLD CAPITALS. What's the use? Same result. - Nothin' !
You have a bad habit thinking that if you have nothing special to reply like a direct question or request, you rather not answer at all. Like it would be better?!

Now im tired. In many ways. Better sleep.
Bye bye.


I still Love you. I wanna make it work...
I want to isnpire you and make you interested in me. Discuss with you again. Share. But we need time for that. Do I fit in anymore? Do I?
Think about that.