How easy it was when love was new and we didn't know eachother.
How easy it was when we didn't care so much and we could give eacother advises and no'one was hurt.
Then it was fun and easy and we were free. No obligations. Just joy. Joy that we had found a new friend. A chance to be seen and apreciated. To share interests, ideas and thoughts. Love was easy and free.
But love isn't easy. Relationships are hard. They get under your skin. Becomes a second skin. Sometimes you loose yourself in there. Sometimes you struggle to break free, to find yourself again. Sometimes you're in heaven.
You find that you have landed yourself an addiction. You need another person for your everyday wellbeing and overall happiness...and it's scary and wonderful.
It can take all of your energy and it can make you feel like you can carry the world on your shoulders.
Some days I wish it wasn't so hard. Some days I wish we weren't so involved.
The more you love a person, the more you know a person, the more he/she can hurt you.
And we both are capable of hurting eachother bigtime.
Thats love.
And what would life be without it?
fredag 11 december 2009
tisdag 8 december 2009
Bare att ta nye tag.
Kan man få göra om den här hösten?
Snälla?
Iaf när det gäller min bristande organisationsförmåga och motivation.
Jag vill vara stjärnelev! Istället är jag den som är stum på lektionen och på efterkälken. :(
Jag tror kursen var lite för mkt för mig. För hög nivå. Jag skulle ha behövt lite mer praktisk träning innan. Pratat pratat och pratat lite mer spanska. Större ordförråd.
Här kommer man från en baskurs och tror att man kan kasta sig in i sånna grejer som att läsa en massa spansk skönlitteratur och göra textanalyser.
Jag tror för högt om mig själv ibland, ironiskt nog.
Snälla?
Iaf när det gäller min bristande organisationsförmåga och motivation.
Jag vill vara stjärnelev! Istället är jag den som är stum på lektionen och på efterkälken. :(
Jag tror kursen var lite för mkt för mig. För hög nivå. Jag skulle ha behövt lite mer praktisk träning innan. Pratat pratat och pratat lite mer spanska. Större ordförråd.
Här kommer man från en baskurs och tror att man kan kasta sig in i sånna grejer som att läsa en massa spansk skönlitteratur och göra textanalyser.
Jag tror för högt om mig själv ibland, ironiskt nog.
tisdag 17 november 2009
delicate things
Ibland känner jag mig så frustrerad. Och jag undrar om vi ens passar ihop.
Det känns som om du ser ner på mig. som om när jag kritiserar dig det minsta så måste du
hävda dig och försvara din stolthet eller whatever och säga något som får mig att känna mig
liten och tilltryckt.
Och jag undrar..är det meningen att det ska vara så? Ska jag som din flickvän känna så?
Det känns inte bra.
Efter att ha läst en massa "compability reports" så känner jag mig ganska modfälld.
Vi passar inte alls. Tydligen så förstår vi inte varandra och detta skapar irritation och
aggression. På det sexuella planet kan det flamma upp plötsligt men det är inget som håller
en längre tid och det leder sen till frustration. Kul.
Många gånger så blir eftersmaken efter att ha pratat med dig en ganska otillfredställd känsla.
Jag uppfylls inte av någon mjukhet i hjärtat. Det händer ytterst sällan. Utan istället något
rebelliskt, nästan lite hämndlystet.
Kanske är det jag som är problemet. Kanske är det att du tar fram det i mig. Kanske är jag masochist och spelar martyr rollen, jag vet inte. Kanske är det för att det är tusentals mil emellan oss och jag börjar bli trött på den bristfälliga kontakten vi har.
Allt detta gör mig ledsen och olycklig. Jag vill inget hellre än att bli uppfylld. Vara fylld till bredden av dig och känna mig tillfreds. Känna mig nöjd och harmonisk. Uppfylld av varm omtanke till dig.
Varför blir det inte så?
Är det för att jag frustrear dig också? För att jag inte gör det jag ska? För att jag inte är den personen som du egentligen vill ha och behöver.
Am I getting punished for not being this person?
En varm, stabil, vis, fruktansvärt lojal, rättfram, modest kvinna med ambitioner och kapacitet. Som inspirerar dig,
som gör dig trygg. Trygg på ett sätt som jag förmodligen aldrig kommer att kunna förmå. För jag är oberäknelig. Du litar inte på att jag kommer vara trogen har jag en känsla av.
Du tror jag kommer göra dig olycklig med min ostabilitet...men på något sätt är det som om du tycker detta är ditt kors att bära i livet.
Att älska den svåra kvinnan.
Att göra den uppofringen. Offra din egen sinnesro för att du förtjänar att lida? eller att axla den bördan?
Kan det vara så?
Jag vill inte vara en börda. Men jag vill vara med min sanna kärlek.
Jag antar att jag kommer vara en börda för någon..eller så kommer jag leva ensam i mitt liv.
Det känns som att det är inget jag tolererar, att leva ensam.
Så med andra ord...stackars den som mot bättre vetande blir kär i mig...För det kommer sannerligen inte bli en lätt resa.
Sanningen är att jag inte vet hur jag kommer känna när jag är nära dig. Kanske klättrar jag på väggarna, eller så känns det som om jag kommit hem.
Det visar sig.
Och det värsta av alltihop vore om jag inte gav oss och mig själv den chansen att uppleva detta tillsammans. Jag vill inte titta över axeln och tänka "tänk om..?"
Det känns som om du ser ner på mig. som om när jag kritiserar dig det minsta så måste du
hävda dig och försvara din stolthet eller whatever och säga något som får mig att känna mig
liten och tilltryckt.
Och jag undrar..är det meningen att det ska vara så? Ska jag som din flickvän känna så?
Det känns inte bra.
Efter att ha läst en massa "compability reports" så känner jag mig ganska modfälld.
Vi passar inte alls. Tydligen så förstår vi inte varandra och detta skapar irritation och
aggression. På det sexuella planet kan det flamma upp plötsligt men det är inget som håller
en längre tid och det leder sen till frustration. Kul.
Många gånger så blir eftersmaken efter att ha pratat med dig en ganska otillfredställd känsla.
Jag uppfylls inte av någon mjukhet i hjärtat. Det händer ytterst sällan. Utan istället något
rebelliskt, nästan lite hämndlystet.
Kanske är det jag som är problemet. Kanske är det att du tar fram det i mig. Kanske är jag masochist och spelar martyr rollen, jag vet inte. Kanske är det för att det är tusentals mil emellan oss och jag börjar bli trött på den bristfälliga kontakten vi har.
Allt detta gör mig ledsen och olycklig. Jag vill inget hellre än att bli uppfylld. Vara fylld till bredden av dig och känna mig tillfreds. Känna mig nöjd och harmonisk. Uppfylld av varm omtanke till dig.
Varför blir det inte så?
Är det för att jag frustrear dig också? För att jag inte gör det jag ska? För att jag inte är den personen som du egentligen vill ha och behöver.
Am I getting punished for not being this person?
En varm, stabil, vis, fruktansvärt lojal, rättfram, modest kvinna med ambitioner och kapacitet. Som inspirerar dig,
som gör dig trygg. Trygg på ett sätt som jag förmodligen aldrig kommer att kunna förmå. För jag är oberäknelig. Du litar inte på att jag kommer vara trogen har jag en känsla av.
Du tror jag kommer göra dig olycklig med min ostabilitet...men på något sätt är det som om du tycker detta är ditt kors att bära i livet.
Att älska den svåra kvinnan.
Att göra den uppofringen. Offra din egen sinnesro för att du förtjänar att lida? eller att axla den bördan?
Kan det vara så?
Jag vill inte vara en börda. Men jag vill vara med min sanna kärlek.
Jag antar att jag kommer vara en börda för någon..eller så kommer jag leva ensam i mitt liv.
Det känns som att det är inget jag tolererar, att leva ensam.
Så med andra ord...stackars den som mot bättre vetande blir kär i mig...För det kommer sannerligen inte bli en lätt resa.
Sanningen är att jag inte vet hur jag kommer känna när jag är nära dig. Kanske klättrar jag på väggarna, eller så känns det som om jag kommit hem.
Det visar sig.
Och det värsta av alltihop vore om jag inte gav oss och mig själv den chansen att uppleva detta tillsammans. Jag vill inte titta över axeln och tänka "tänk om..?"
torsdag 12 november 2009
The lovers - an ocean apart.
Do I dare to hope it?
Do I dare dream about it?
Will we finally unite in a little more than a month?
I need you. I need you...
No quiero llorar.
I dont wanna feel like this. A half person.
Dreaming of your closeness.
Being resigned to only daydreaming.
It doesnt cut it anymore.
Neither for you.
I need you...
Im a selfish girl.
I want your time and attention.
Your devotion and concentration.
All to myself.
But Im scared of hoping for too much.
I dont want to cause my own heart ache out of shattered expectations...
I want to have answers...
Will we work?
Do I dare dream about it?
Will we finally unite in a little more than a month?
I need you. I need you...
No quiero llorar.
I dont wanna feel like this. A half person.
Dreaming of your closeness.
Being resigned to only daydreaming.
It doesnt cut it anymore.
Neither for you.
I need you...
Im a selfish girl.
I want your time and attention.
Your devotion and concentration.
All to myself.
But Im scared of hoping for too much.
I dont want to cause my own heart ache out of shattered expectations...
I want to have answers...
Will we work?
lördag 10 oktober 2009
and its raining again
I hate it. The tears that falls...
The sadness that builds upp and brakes through and I can barely mask it and hide it. And Im emarrassed to show it. And Im embarrassed to want that someone notice and cares.
The self pity that wallows inside...and I cry more.
The loneliness, the feeling of failure.
And what do I do about it? Sqwat!
I shouldnt be alone. I shouldnt be by myself and live alone...
Im sorry Prieto. Im not stronger...
Im apathic, cowardly and shy away from responsibilities. Egoistic even :(
And I hate it. I want sunshine and a bright future, confidence, security, warmth and harmony and love! I want to feel good about myself. I want to be what Im supposed to be. I wish I could please people better. I know its not the way, cause I should please myself first. But pleasing myself doesnt get me anywhere, cause I'm lazy! And I just end up doing nothing.
No. Change must come. I gotta think over this. And pull myself together. And Act!
Thank you and good night!
The sadness that builds upp and brakes through and I can barely mask it and hide it. And Im emarrassed to show it. And Im embarrassed to want that someone notice and cares.
The self pity that wallows inside...and I cry more.
The loneliness, the feeling of failure.
And what do I do about it? Sqwat!
I shouldnt be alone. I shouldnt be by myself and live alone...
Im sorry Prieto. Im not stronger...
Im apathic, cowardly and shy away from responsibilities. Egoistic even :(
And I hate it. I want sunshine and a bright future, confidence, security, warmth and harmony and love! I want to feel good about myself. I want to be what Im supposed to be. I wish I could please people better. I know its not the way, cause I should please myself first. But pleasing myself doesnt get me anywhere, cause I'm lazy! And I just end up doing nothing.
No. Change must come. I gotta think over this. And pull myself together. And Act!
Thank you and good night!
onsdag 7 oktober 2009
Regler:
Det här är svårare än du tror! Kopiera detta till din blogg, utmana 5 personer och berätta det för dem. Varje svar måste börja med första bokstaven i ditt namn! Alla svar måste vara riktiga, hitta inte på ord! Om personen som utmanade dig har ett namn som börjar med samma bokstav som ditt får du inte ge samma svar som han/hon gjort. Du får heller inte skriva samma svar två gånger eller skriva ditt eget namn som svar
(förutom på fråga 1)! LYCKA TILL!
1. Vad heter du? Kamilla
2. Ett ord på fyra bokstäver: kult
3. Flicknamn: Krysmynta
4. Pojknamn: Kolle
5. Yrke: Kassör
6. Färg: Klarblå
7. Klädesplagg: Kjol!
8. Mat: KÖTT
9. Sak i badrummet: kakel
10. Plats/stad: Kiev
11. En orsak att vara sen: Katten åt upp min väckarklocka
12. Något man skriker: Knäpp igen truten!
13. Film: King Kong
14. Något man dricker? körsbärslikör
15. Band: Kean :D
16. Djur: krokodil
17. Gatunamn: Kristinagatan
18. Bil: Kawasaki
19. Sång: Kom igen Lena!
Vad säger du helena?
(obs jag utmanar igen direkt, men om nån känner sig manad så är det bara att köra på!)
onsdag 1 juli 2009
The king of pop is dead.
Michael Jackson is no more.
Its sad.
But I hope he's feeling better where he is now.
I have been listening to his songs on youtube several days now and Im thinking about buying all the records of him (though I have "Dangerous"). I dont think I have ever appreciated him more then now. Its sad how you start to really appreciate a person when its too late.
I have always liked his music and his dancing. He may have been my first inspiration to dance. He was my big Idol when I went to 2nd and 3rd grade and when they play his music in the clubs it always raises my mood and takes my wanting to dance to the next level.
But then all the rumors came and created speculation. What do one really know about the happenings in the mansion of his? Maybe hes innocent like a child but tragically damaged because of the horrible childhood and cant help himself. Doesnt know his limits and cant control his impulses...or something. I wish it wouldnt be true. But they say there's no smoke without fire.
Recently though...one of the boys came out and came clean, telling the world the truth about it all and asked for forgiveness (though too late of course). It turned out that the boys' father made up the story and preassured his son to say it out of the reason of profitting. Milked the previous rumor for all its worth. So sad what people do for money...
All this videowatching ...
I must say Im a little inlove with him at the moment. He was such a fascinating person. Two different persons really...This entertainment god on the stage, fiery and wicked. And then the withdrawn, shy, sweet talking, humble, allmost girly person behind the curtain. Very insecure of himself, something that wasnt appearent at all infront of an audience. He was a perfectionist. A workoholic. With a childs fascination for fantasy and magic (stray thought..I wonder if he ever read harry potter. I believe he would have liked it alot.) and carnival rides. A great love and recognition in children and animals. Very caring and giving. Concerned about the worlds injustices. Pure...innocent. And very lonely.
But I wonder what was going on inside of him. What his inner life was like, his deeper desires and dreams.
Because..the two personalities are so far from eachother. It doesnt make sence.
On stage he was on fire! So expressive. Even agressive. Not a single hesitasion. He ruled the stage like a king. He took place like a king. He performed like a king. And presented himself like a king (not litterally).
And his creativeness, his uniqueness is out of this world. Unbelievably musical and talented in rythm and dancing. An inspiration. Something the world never before have seen and probably never will again. An extraordinary person in the true sence of the word.
I dont know what more to say.
Im not a person who regularly worships famous people.
But If I'd have an idol it'd be him.
For sure.
(did I mention we are both virgo with ascendant in libra? :P)
Rest in peace, Michael J.
Its sad.
But I hope he's feeling better where he is now.
I have been listening to his songs on youtube several days now and Im thinking about buying all the records of him (though I have "Dangerous"). I dont think I have ever appreciated him more then now. Its sad how you start to really appreciate a person when its too late.
I have always liked his music and his dancing. He may have been my first inspiration to dance. He was my big Idol when I went to 2nd and 3rd grade and when they play his music in the clubs it always raises my mood and takes my wanting to dance to the next level.
But then all the rumors came and created speculation. What do one really know about the happenings in the mansion of his? Maybe hes innocent like a child but tragically damaged because of the horrible childhood and cant help himself. Doesnt know his limits and cant control his impulses...or something. I wish it wouldnt be true. But they say there's no smoke without fire.
Recently though...one of the boys came out and came clean, telling the world the truth about it all and asked for forgiveness (though too late of course). It turned out that the boys' father made up the story and preassured his son to say it out of the reason of profitting. Milked the previous rumor for all its worth. So sad what people do for money...
All this videowatching ...
I must say Im a little inlove with him at the moment. He was such a fascinating person. Two different persons really...This entertainment god on the stage, fiery and wicked. And then the withdrawn, shy, sweet talking, humble, allmost girly person behind the curtain. Very insecure of himself, something that wasnt appearent at all infront of an audience. He was a perfectionist. A workoholic. With a childs fascination for fantasy and magic (stray thought..I wonder if he ever read harry potter. I believe he would have liked it alot.) and carnival rides. A great love and recognition in children and animals. Very caring and giving. Concerned about the worlds injustices. Pure...innocent. And very lonely.
But I wonder what was going on inside of him. What his inner life was like, his deeper desires and dreams.
Because..the two personalities are so far from eachother. It doesnt make sence.
On stage he was on fire! So expressive. Even agressive. Not a single hesitasion. He ruled the stage like a king. He took place like a king. He performed like a king. And presented himself like a king (not litterally).
And his creativeness, his uniqueness is out of this world. Unbelievably musical and talented in rythm and dancing. An inspiration. Something the world never before have seen and probably never will again. An extraordinary person in the true sence of the word.
I dont know what more to say.
Im not a person who regularly worships famous people.
But If I'd have an idol it'd be him.
For sure.
(did I mention we are both virgo with ascendant in libra? :P)
Rest in peace, Michael J.
lördag 20 juni 2009
The conversation turned horribly wrong.
I said something compleatly unnecessary, hurting and stupid. I exagerated to hurt him, cause I felt hurt too.
I overdid it.
An incredibly stupid thing to do.
"FUCK YOU"
was his response.
Im too messed up inside that I hurt the one closest to me.
____
Once again I feel like Im gonna end up all alone in this world.
In the end, Im the only one I got to turn to.
The momentarily bliss I experienced two years ago, when I thought I'd found someone to share everything with. Someone to see me for who I am and love me for it. Someone who knew me and understood me. It's all fading...
I can't stop letting him down. I can't help myself. I cant HELP myself. And it drags me under...
and it pulls him away from me.
I want to be strong for him.
I need to be.
He deserves someone strong and brilliant.
Somehow I always knew I wasnt good enough.
___________
Im sorry for all these dark feelings. But I always seam to write here when Im feeling the lowest.
I overdid it.
An incredibly stupid thing to do.
"FUCK YOU"
was his response.
Im too messed up inside that I hurt the one closest to me.
____
Once again I feel like Im gonna end up all alone in this world.
In the end, Im the only one I got to turn to.
The momentarily bliss I experienced two years ago, when I thought I'd found someone to share everything with. Someone to see me for who I am and love me for it. Someone who knew me and understood me. It's all fading...
I can't stop letting him down. I can't help myself. I cant HELP myself. And it drags me under...
and it pulls him away from me.
I want to be strong for him.
I need to be.
He deserves someone strong and brilliant.
Somehow I always knew I wasnt good enough.
___________
Im sorry for all these dark feelings. But I always seam to write here when Im feeling the lowest.
söndag 24 maj 2009
There's so much inside of me...so I think I should write more often.
Only that once you've finnished the title the brain goes bye bye.
But I'll try.
There is so much inside of me at the moment:
-Frustration
-Anger
-Irritation
-Disapointment
-Discontent
-Selfdoubt
-Need for physical contact.
-Need for laughter and a feeling of "we belong together and nothing will ever tear us apart" (but those kinds of wishes doesnt come true I fear, not for me. Not if you're supposed to believe my horoscope anyway. My life ticket is to never find unconditional true love, something my heart is crying for. When I read that my heart sank down into my stomach and I started thinking, what if its true? Love hasnt been easy for me so far and now my love live across the world, on another continent. It doesnt look good. Am I living in a fantasy?)
-Bitterness.
-Sadness over that Im not using my full potential and letting my modest amount of talent go to waste.
-Need for purpose and direction.
Something must change. I must change. Im heading down a wrong path. My behaviour isnt quite constructive. I find that there are so much wrong with me that I dont know where to start improving myself. This isnt good.
Yesterday there was the movie Phantom of the Opera on tv. Once again I felt enourmous pity on the poor phantom. He has such talent, such love for music and is terribly missunderstood and unhappily in love with Christine. Hides his semi-grotesque face in fear of not being accepted.
"Masquerade, paperfaces in parade, masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you."
Somehow I identify myself with him.
Im sorry for all this self pity.
This is just an airhole for me.
Im usually not this solemn.
I hide my sorrow pretty well, I think...
But I'll try.
There is so much inside of me at the moment:
-Frustration
-Anger
-Irritation
-Disapointment
-Discontent
-Selfdoubt
-Need for physical contact.
-Need for laughter and a feeling of "we belong together and nothing will ever tear us apart" (but those kinds of wishes doesnt come true I fear, not for me. Not if you're supposed to believe my horoscope anyway. My life ticket is to never find unconditional true love, something my heart is crying for. When I read that my heart sank down into my stomach and I started thinking, what if its true? Love hasnt been easy for me so far and now my love live across the world, on another continent. It doesnt look good. Am I living in a fantasy?)
-Bitterness.
-Sadness over that Im not using my full potential and letting my modest amount of talent go to waste.
-Need for purpose and direction.
Something must change. I must change. Im heading down a wrong path. My behaviour isnt quite constructive. I find that there are so much wrong with me that I dont know where to start improving myself. This isnt good.
Yesterday there was the movie Phantom of the Opera on tv. Once again I felt enourmous pity on the poor phantom. He has such talent, such love for music and is terribly missunderstood and unhappily in love with Christine. Hides his semi-grotesque face in fear of not being accepted.
"Masquerade, paperfaces in parade, masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you."
Somehow I identify myself with him.
Im sorry for all this self pity.
This is just an airhole for me.
Im usually not this solemn.
I hide my sorrow pretty well, I think...
tisdag 31 mars 2009
The Greeneyed Monster
What a way to begin a blog...
well.
My name is Kamilla and I'm gonna treat this blog like a diary sort of...
so I guess I'll get right to it.
________
I't has been a long time since I've felt like this.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate this feeling!
Like its burning in my throat, in my heart, in my stomach.
The feeling is jealousy...
...and I can't bear it.
And its totally unnecessary and irrational.
Well not compleatly, everything has its reasons.
But I feel guilty for feeling like this.
Thats why I'm not gonna speak to the person it concerns, well not right now anyways.
It concerns the two people I love the most. That sucks...
I feel left out.
They are great together.
Actually...if she was a little older I fear she would be better for him than me :(
And I hate thinking like that. It hurts too much. Cause I love her.
And I love him. Can't be without him...
well.
My name is Kamilla and I'm gonna treat this blog like a diary sort of...
so I guess I'll get right to it.
________
I't has been a long time since I've felt like this.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate this feeling!
Like its burning in my throat, in my heart, in my stomach.
The feeling is jealousy...
...and I can't bear it.
And its totally unnecessary and irrational.
Well not compleatly, everything has its reasons.
But I feel guilty for feeling like this.
Thats why I'm not gonna speak to the person it concerns, well not right now anyways.
It concerns the two people I love the most. That sucks...
I feel left out.
They are great together.
Actually...if she was a little older I fear she would be better for him than me :(
And I hate thinking like that. It hurts too much. Cause I love her.
And I love him. Can't be without him...
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