waiting, wishing, hoping / moving on and forwards.

Thursday.

I came 10 min in time!
Luck was on my side today with the whole bus-situation.

There are two possible buses that I can take, the first make me come well in time and the second brings me there with just a few minuits before nine.

And today I headed out for the first...not compleatly sure I'd make it. (It should be said that I live about 3-4 min away from the bus-stop and I can't see it from my apartment.) But I wasn't so stressed out cause I could still take the second and be fairly on time.

And there I was walking, watching my clock, seeing that I should have missed it by now, not worrying about it and when I was 50 meters away from the stop I saw it comming (again) and thought..
"Ah wth..if I just had run alittle I would have made it!" and then
"Wth, why not run now? whats the worst thing that's gonna happen, I'll miss it, "again"? I was already fine with it." So I charged ahead, not really believing it would still be there when I arrived, but luckily an older man had some errand with the bus driver so the bus was there still standing!
I couldn't believe the luck! Good start of the day!
(This might seam like small potatoes, but Im usually not a person with flow, so it was memorable for me.)

Otherwise it was a pretty good day.
half of the day there was a seminar about heath and diet.

- What to eat and how much of it, when to eat and what and how much of it and...
- How important excercising is, what happens if you do it, what happens if you don't.
- How important rest and sleep is, for everything and especially rebuilding of muscles when you excercise.
- Fashion diets are bad for you. Forget about GI and thank me later.
- Carbs is very necessary for the energylevel. You should eat 25% of your daily diet in breakfast, 30% in lunch, 20% in dinner and the rest, 25% should be 3 inbetween snacks. between breakfast and lunch, around 10am, "pm-snack" around 3pm and night-snack around 8pm and then it should be somehting very light. like an apple. NO EATING BEFORE SLEEPING! that only causes your enerylevel to rise and you'll get sleeping problems.
- how to excercise to burn fat. what fat to eat to burn bad-fat, hard fat (omega fat is good for ya).
- how to excercise to increase condition ; the heart's ability to pump blood into the system.

well all and all, very usefull info that I sort of had heard already. But it was a nice refreshing.

After that there was a 45 min "relaxation period". We lay on a little carpet with a blanket over us, listening to a tape telling us to breath slowly and deeply, tensing different body parts and then relax them. It was very soothing. After a while I was so drowsy from that calm voice I driften confusingly in and out of sleep not really keepin count on wich body part it was. and then it was over and we listened to just some music instead and I lay there inbetween a state of awake and alseep and dreamt weird things, waking up when I realized that the familiar words wasnt in my dream but came from the song and was in spanish.

Then other half of the day I filled in a long form on the homepage and sent an application to Ica Maxi stormarknad, a food store chain. It's something atleast.

After that I went home to mums, played alittle piano, cuddled with rudi, helped her with shopping, bought delicious "tuna in mousse"cat food can for rudi and ate with mum, helena and tjåken.

Then we biked off to celebrate granddad on his 73rd birthday. It was nice, very appatizing snacks. Mainly elder people there though. But it was nice.
The highpoint of the evening was when one of the men, after some time of chatting with Tjåken and mum about this and that, asked if he knew this "Tjåken" personally...hahaha
(tjåken is well known figure in many cultural circles in västerås, since he is a fotographer and is in many circumstances and unions. Sort of a mysterious fellow, but appreciated. "An original")

Helena and I also got a little fancy box each of Birgitta. Mine was a heart berlock with a (I think) 1700-century motif on the front (half naked ladies sitting in a forest).

After that I was invited by a neighbour to them, an 80 year old lady, to see the paintings she had made. A lot of aquarelle, kind of interesting. "Inspirations, imaginative" paintings. I got one with pink flowers that now is on my kitchen wall.

Tomorrow it's only half day at the jobcenter and then I have to get home to meet a guy that's gonna take a look at the laundry machine. Maybe he can fix it. :)
Now its time to clean up here alittle and get to bed.
My days have been alot more busy this week. Its stimulating and I need the rest.
I'm sure gonna appreciate the extra hours in the weekend in my bed hehehe...

Btw..I love my Iphone. Such a clever little thing. It has it all, allmost. Internet, phone, ipod, mails, messages, weather, calendar, maps, facebook, skype, spotify, really good cam, diary, my dear pictures and last but not least the fun finger piano. And all very accessable and easy peasy. Very Very Nice.

g'nait

Dear diary...and other qliché stuff.

Sort of nice day today.

Little hectic. Im constantly under the preassure of not coming late to the jobcenter. I really have to pull myself together and master myself..it doensn't always come through all the way, today I missed the bus - again!

I saw it pass by and I was about 50 m away from the bus stop. No chance of catching it. So it was off to the bike again and I arrived at the jobcenter 2 min too late.

But then in work I managed to apply for two jobs - one cleaning job and a stressfull one for the tax agency - putting the info from the tax applications into a computer for 4-6 straight weeks.
So Im pretty content with that.
Tomorrow I'm gonna take a seminar called "diet and health".

Then off to meet dad and Helena for the weekly coffe and talk. And it was nice as always. Dad tampered with the lock on my bike and finally he told me I should buy a new one. So I did and then biked home to mum for dinner and hanged out with Helena, watching this old swedish series on a dvd, a filmatisation of a swedish book series. We laughed at the hilarious weirdness and exaggerated acting. I also practised some piano.
My new iphone and its "finger piano" app is very helpfull indeed. Im gonna learn some tunes I like the most with it's help...

Then it was the wednesday's tradition of Grays Anatomy.

And then I had to go home. Its late already, past 11 so I must tuck myself in.
Good night world.

(Prieto...do you miss me? You're in my mind all day long.)

Gold thuesday

Good thing is that winter is finally melting away abit
bad thing is that when it freezes over night the ice becomes hazardous!

Money problem solved
- sold old gold necklace for 880 kr.
Well...temporarily solved.

I saw something interesting in the newspaper this morning, apparently the gold and jewelary stores buy gold from you. especially old stuff and there i saw my chance..
I went looking in my drawers and found this, not so old actually, necklace that I got from my grandpa and his wife in confirmation present or something. Hidious thing that i never have worn. Its a chain that 50 year old ladies wear. Its very typical of the style of grandpas wife and sadly it will never be my style. So I don't think I'll miss it. But my heart sank a little when I handed it over to the store clerk. I hope they never ask me about it...

It was a rather good day. I missed the buss by a minuit so I rannn all the way back again to my bike and biked like an animal to the jobcenter. I thought I was going to be late and loose everything. I allmost did. I was about 5 min too late, but they didnt complain. I told them when I came up there to sign in my name, all flushed, havily breathing and sweaty that I missed the buss and they seamed ok. joked alittle about my appearance only...but I don't blame them. I looked like a beaten down beaver.

Then my jobguide told me that there was a seminar that day and asked if I wanted to participate and I said yes.
It was about getting into the other perspective of a jobinterview - meaning the interviewer, the employer. and we got four jobapplications for a fictive job add and then decided wich we should cut and wich three should come on interview. And rank them, who was our favourite for the job. And after that we got the chance to see all four on an interview on dvd and see if it changed our decition. And it sort of did.
All very interesting and inspiring and we were only four people there, excluding the man holding the seminar but it took all day.
I now realize that my CV needs to be rewritten abit and also that I need to rehearse interview situations.

Then I biked home and under a tunnel in the city I slipped on the damn ice again and I landed on all fours and allmost flew out on the street and allmost tripped another guy comming after me. And then I picked myself up quickly, cursing the ice and began walking and I didnt realize untill I reached the red lights that my bag was missing!
So I went back and thought it lay there somewhere on the side and I walked up and down the road but no sign of it. It wasnt trashed in the street either. Then when I was about to loose hope and felt the tears and despair cooming up - my 880 kr was in that bag! then I heard a woman with a black dog and this loud wailing noice, calling after me "Is it your bag?" And I was so relieved. That wailing noise turned out to be my attack-alarm. So all safe and sound..but tomorrow Im taking the bus!

Now Im gonna eat my potatoe-leek-soup, watch alittle gossip girl and take out my chocolate cake from the oven. Yummy...

monday

Things were looking up alittle today. (were)

I came in time (!) and I did what I should in there, filed a job application and decided what jobcoach I wanted. Allmost fell asleep, but managed not to..there is something about that place, about staring at a computer screen that early in the morning that makes me soooo sleepy.
And I had a tasty lunch with me, the jobcoach smiled when I came (on time again) after lunch and signed in my name again.
Well so far so good..

Then...I came to the store and were going to groseryshop and I was going to pay in the counter..and it said "does not agree" in the little monitor. So I had to go out and extract money and go back and take away some stuff of the list to be able to pay.
And now I have no money in my account. :S
And there is half the month left.
I have alittle on a savings account...but it wont last that long.

I hate this.
I don't want to live in these kind of circumstances!

And I can't come to late to the jobplace or they will kick me out.
Im in quite a spot now.
And the damn washing machine doesnt work.
Just great. Awesome...

And on top of it, Im thinking about you...far too much and I miss you. Everything about you. I keep thinking about all the little details I love about you and the arousing ones and I blush...and I wish you were here.
I want to dance.
I want to take your clothes off...
But you're there. Faar far away in a far off land on a far away continent.

And all I can do here is focus on material, practical things.
I guess it's a nice change. Well needed one. And it takes my mind off my loneliness a little...

You have to promise to come here soon. To make my life full of colours again. To make me relax, to make me smile and shine. And I'll promise you'll be proud of me, that I'll make you happy and that you'll feel good.
Please..I don't want to wait too long...

Time to wash the dishes, prepair lunch for tomorrow, watch "community college" and then straight to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. And I can't be late...

thursday

Better day today than yesterday.

At least I got to the job center though I fell off my bike on the way there. Its gonna leave a big bruise on my hip.
Since I felt so bad about my disastrous yesterday I put more effort into it today and I sent away three job applications. I also went on a info meeting and learned that I have to pick out a job coach for next friday. And also got some tips on jobs I can apply for. By this time, since there are soooo many unemployed young people in this town I'll take whatever I can get.

Later in the day I met with my friend Ann-kim who recently moved out of town and is on visit. We ate mcdonalds and sat there and talked for about two hours. It felt very good. It was as if she never left, besides that she has and is living an entire different life now. But knowing ann-kim, I know that she'll adjust in no-time over there and she'll be ok.

Yesterday dad showed me a book among all the different weird books he has in his bookshelf. A little blue, battered one called "To open inner doors" and its a sort of religious book, atleast its about getting closer to god and every day has a special upplifting and wise text. Like today is called:
Work FOR My laws, not against them
And its about letting go of inner tensions by following the laws of god, to surrender to them. To surrender to the belief that god knows best and what is best for me. To let him guide me and show me my way. But for that I have to trust..

I dont know if I can trust. And I don't like to be forced to do stuff without having total confidence in them. I have a big scepcism against god and religion. Im far too practical to believe in what I can't see. What can't be prooved. Though the texts does help, most of them. They are relaxing and soothing to read. But I feel a bit like a hypocrite cause everytime it mention God I get irritated.

Now I have to sleep.

Over and out.

Down she fell like Alice into the dark rabbit hole..

Ive done it again.
Just face it..Im a screw up. You could do so much better.

Can't believe I let it happen again. I fucked up. I didn't deliver. Again.
I missed it. I got all dressed up and fixed my CV and printed it out in the library and when I got there it was already over. Crying I biked home, condemning myself. All for nothing. Again.
What am I gonna tell them tomorrow?
Again and again and again I let you down, and others and myself.
I want to stop this chain of dissappointment.

I need help.

Maybe I should get a therapist or something...

Lost

I feel a bit lost.
I feel I don't know myself anymore. I used to be described as a good in school, organized girl. A little quiet, talking to low and shy perhaps but always there, no skipping class, attentivly listening, good grades. What happened to that girl?
What happened to the orderliness and structure? What happened to the once considered good girl?

I feel I lost her long ago.
I want to become miss responsability again.
Not necesarily weridly-quiet-shy girl, but the one considered to be one of the good ones.
Though I can't say I was a wonder of structure then either. Always doing homework and studying for tests last minuit. But I paid attention in class. No problem with focusing.
What happened?

Maybe it decreased with my diminishing faith in the future..that happened in my junior high and highschool years.
My diminishing faith in myself and my future...

I want to regain it. I want to believe. I want to strengthen and develop in a good sence, without taking any steps backwards or dissappointments.
Nice normal harmonious pace. Building a fundation. Firmly set in reality.
I want to feel good with myself.
To be happy.
Secure in myself and my abilities.

But how and where to start?