Hot summers night

I'm lying here in my bed at night and I can't sleep.
I'm supposed to wake up in six hours because I have to go to work then.
I can hardly believe that sentence. Me? Work?!
But it's true. I've finally manage to get a job, an occupation, employment!

But I can't sleep. It's so hot in here. Even though it's midnight the heat from the day lingers and keep me from sleeping.
All the thoughts and questions swarming in my brain doesn't help either.

Neither does the song wich goes like this: "målet är ingenting - vägen är allalalallalalallt".
It means "the destination means nothing- the journey means everything" or "everythihihihihing" hehe.
A very good song and it doesn't leave me alone.

I'm thinking about my future, what I want in life. I'm thinking about this new job and if I'll manage it well. Im thinking about my finantial situation, about education and I'm thinking about love and relationships.

With hope that this little writing will have lifted some mental burdons I'll retire to my bed again.
Let tomorrow be a good day.
Amen.

Grattitude - the healing power

I'm thankful for:
- having both parents alive and well.
- having a great sister that I can talk to and joke with without much problem.
I don't belive close sisters like these grows on trees.
- that my mum has found a good love at last. Someone she can be herself with
and do all things she feels like together with him.
- my dad. His optimism, spiritualism and generosity. His nonhesitant will to help. His inspiration.
And the mere practical fact that he let's me stay in his apartment practically for free.
- my cat rudi. His truly a gift from above. I couldn't gave wished for a better cat. He is all I ever wanted in a cat.
So affectionate and never afraid.
- my talents that have been given me for some reason. I'm very happy o have them. Without them I'd be nothing special at all.
My love for music is what brings me most joy. I'm happy I can appreciate music the way I do. It enrichens life in a great way.
- my two years in the art school and most importantly the first one where I grew
and learned and got to experience many new things and people.
- the fact that I'm alive is enough to be thankful of.
- that I'm not living in a place shaken by the terror and misery of war.
- the fact that I'm in reasonably good physical shape.
- that I'm young and still have many years to be a better person.
- all friends I have and have had. The fun times we had. The thoughts and interests we shared. The support they gave me and acceptance.
- last but definitely not least; Ulises. That a twist of destiny put him in my path. The strange and wonderful man who has taught and showed me so much. Given me so much. So much love, appreciation, guiding and time. That has blessed my life with his presence ( if you read it you may think I'm overdoing it but I'm not. All is true. ) inspired me. Impressed me. Touched my heart so many times I can't count them. And made me feel really special too. For that I'm forever grateful.


I could write more.
This list isn't ranked in order of importance.

I lay in my bed thinking about my problems and realized of my dads words of grattitude. How he is thankful every morning for being able to wake up and live another day.
And I realize of my own smallmindedness.
We all need to be more grateful for the things we have.

I know I do atleast.

Happy Birthday to you Moma and other darker thoughts.

Ja nu ska jag skriva på svenska för en gångs skull. Undrar hur det ska gå. Om jag fortarande kan uttrycka mig på modersmålet eller för evigt har förlorat mig i engelskans virvlande grepp.

Hur som helst. Dagen var som dagar brukar vara ung, förutom att det var mammas födelsedag. Så hela dagen gick åt åt den. Men det gör inget. Känns skönt att inte ha sig själv som huvud intresse/huvudbry för en gångs skull. Eller det är nog inte helt sant. Jag kan inte låta bli att vara alldeles för självupptagen ibland. (Som nu tex. Argh!)

Vaknade upp med en ofrånkommligt sömnig och betungande trötthet. Hade bara sovit fyra timmar. För jag fastnade i ett youtubemaraton av stand up comedy (RAw Eddie Murphy och Inside the actors studio med Robin Williams)Skrattad men missnöjd och orolig gick jag och la mig igår/imorse, fast besluten att vakna på utsatt tid så jag skulle hinna med pajbakningen. Vilket jag gjorde, med nöd och näppe. Men hela min kropp sa "Gå och lägg dig igen, människa?!"
Åkte således över till mamma där alla var samlade redan. Mamma på ett lätt irriterat och stressat humör men lite glad ändå. Morfar och mormor med respektive, Helena och Tjåken.

Det blev tårtätning, och nyhetsuppdateringar. Samtal om diverse krämpor morföräldrarna emellan och som vanligt så kändes det som om vi var två grupper, separerade av ålder.

Finns så mycket jag kan säga om dem och oss osv. But this is not the time and place, för kl är 2:30 ser jag nu...

Firandet var trevligt, mamma blev hurrad och sjungen för och tyckte om sina presenter. Delikatesserna, eko-kudden och de turkosa fjäder-örhängena. Samt pajen som jag gjorde. T.o.m. Helena och Tjåken godkände den, fast den innehöll de högst tvivelaktiga ingredienserna spenat och fetaost (hehehe).

Efter att gästerna hade gått hem hade mamma och jag ett rätt långt samtal om det ena och det andra. Och det var skönt, för det var så länge sen det hände sist. Blir inte så mycket ensamtid med varandra nuförtiden eftersom hon har Tjåken. Men nu blir det förhoppningsvis mer av det.

Sen kom man hem och efter ett ganska långt tag får man syn på älsklingen som kommer online. Men det är bara en synvilla. För han ska strax, alldeles för snart gå igen.

Och det värker.

Jag blir bara bitter.
Jag vill inte känna så här.
Så otillfrdsställd.

Hur kan en bra dag med sin positiva stämning förstöras så snabbt?

Men jag låtsas som ingenting,
vill inte vara den som klagar för mycket.
Vill inte vara svag.
Men jag fylls av en bitterhet.
Den går inte att hejda.
Blir bara värre för varje gång som går.
Och berätta hur jag känner, dvs "klaga" har jag inget för.
Det bara spär på hans bitterhet.
Vilken är orsaken till hans nonchalans.
Denna nonchalans, denna attityd som sårar.
Som gör att det värker...
Som får mig att tänka "Fuck it!"

Vad är detta? Moment 22?

Varför måste det alltid sluta så här? Vilket problem vi än har, slutar det alltid i denna position.

Känns inte bra. Inte heller bristen på kontakt. Inte heller denna kyla som sprider sig och förbittrar. Det finns en mur emellan oss.
Det känns som om jag förlorat min bästa vän.

All in love is fair.

Good day.
Bad day.
Strange day.
All in the same day.

Restless and irritated.
Dancing does me good.
So many pieces missing.
I don't care to explain.
Just like you.

Spring offers a traditional promise
of a better time to come.
A promise so uncertain
I don't dare to believe it.
The new smells, the wet pavement
and romantic flowers of may whispers
of late summer nights
and new young love.

I feel left out.
I feel cheated.
Summer is not going to bring any success.
Summer will dissapoint.
Just as me...
Too many times before.

All in love is fair.
Is btw a song by Stevie wonder.

Fresh air does you good.

Air!
I can breathe again!

Thank you. For the good conversation.

Your not closed anymore. I see a light in the end of my tunnel.

"we can work it out, we can work it ouuut"
As stevie wonder sings in his song. I think it's "sir duke".
But Im probably wrong...

Anyhow. I feel hope. I feel love. I feel you.
I feel it.

Heartbreak

I cant take it. It just gets worse and worse. Total disaster.
I see no solace in you anymore. Only coldness.

All thoughts in my head leave me mute.

I love you.
I want your warmness.
Its not there anymore.

The agony.

"Dont cry infront of me. Im not. It wont solve anything."

It kills me.

It feels like being hit with a cold cement wall.

Where is your love? Where is it?



And your response for this will probably be: You brought it upon yourself.
I guess your right.

And I don't deserv you.

Why don't you just leave me and save both of us this pain.

I can't stand your cold indifferance. My tears fall and my heart becoms ice.
I thought you were my boyfriend.

I got you , babe - I think.

Btw, its a very good song, by sonny and cher. (I got you babe)

I feel like I don't know myself anymore.
Who I am. My strengths. My good characteristics. Im lost.

I want to be selfdependant. I don't want to need anyone. I want to be the maker of my own happiness.
Sadly that isnt the reality.

And sadly I still need you.
And I need anyone who's kind to me.
And I need my family.
And friends. I act as though I don't sometimes.

Needing people is a two headed sword.

Everyone needs things. Everyone needs other people. No man is an island. That is a universal truth.
"Tend to your needs."
"What you want might not be the same as what you NEED."

But "needy" is a bad word.
You shouldn't need people too much. Then you become dependant on other people. A burdon. An extra dead weight.
That is disgusted by most in this society. Quite naturally. Everyone should participate and help and be useful. Be independant.

What happens to those people that can't help themselves?
They are spitted on. Unwanted people. A shame, a disgrace, a cancer in the society.
The stronger push away the weak. Its natures way. Survival of the fittest.

I am one of those people. One of those weak people.
I need support.
I don't want to need support!
Never ever again.

Ill be miss solitude wanderer. Untouchable and cold. Strong and independant.

Is that what you want?

I am a human of flesh and blood. I have weaknesess. I have faults. I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be? A perfect humanbeing.
"No need for evolution. -Shes perfect!" No need for nothing. No need for you at all.

No.

Aslong as my heart beats the blood in my veins, aslong will I need. Ill need warmth, comfort, support, acceptance, forgiveness, appreciation patience and encouragement.
Pure and simple: LOVE.

Just as any other person.