Im destined to be alone. Cause all I do is to hurt the people I love.
Its like I have a force within that drives people away from me. Cause I know whats inside. And I won't open up.
I'm not really kind. Im selfish.
If you do get too close, you'll discover the dark side. Ill bewitch you but my poison will slowly destroy you, if you dont keep away.
So what I want the most. I can never have. Cause I dont have what it takes to love someone the way they deserve.
So just save yourself the pain and stay the hell away.
fredag 3 december 2010
onsdag 13 oktober 2010
Can we go the distance?
You're too far away.. I want you near me, always.
I try to push the thought of not seeing you this december out of my mind
but everytime a memory hits me, a memory of your kiss or touch or smell
or anything that reminds me of you and the good times we had,
my heart breaks.
A pain in my chest.
What used to be a nice wander of the mind to a lustfull place has become a red zone where pain resides. And I burn myself as if I put my hand on the stove.
But how I need you! How I want you! How I love you...
How long can I take it? Will I drive myself crazy over this?
So much pain, so much dissappointment and sadness.
You are the best, closest lover and friend. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I adore you and your sweet sillyness. you reached into me in so many ways as no one have.
:(
Why does it have to hurt so much? Love. Why does love have to hurt so much?
I try to push the thought of not seeing you this december out of my mind
but everytime a memory hits me, a memory of your kiss or touch or smell
or anything that reminds me of you and the good times we had,
my heart breaks.
A pain in my chest.
What used to be a nice wander of the mind to a lustfull place has become a red zone where pain resides. And I burn myself as if I put my hand on the stove.
But how I need you! How I want you! How I love you...
How long can I take it? Will I drive myself crazy over this?
So much pain, so much dissappointment and sadness.
You are the best, closest lover and friend. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I adore you and your sweet sillyness. you reached into me in so many ways as no one have.
:(
Why does it have to hurt so much? Love. Why does love have to hurt so much?
fredag 3 september 2010
Autumn winds chill me
- and its only the first days of september!
September! My month! :)
Things are looking up slightly. I have worked this summer, to and fro. A definite improvement since last year. And so far things have gone well. I have another point to put on my resume.
Im not where I wanna be in my life. But I feel Im atleast walking in the right direction.
I have a practice place hopefully comming up, for four weeks at a food store. I only have to impress the store manager and make him believe in me. Not the easiest thing to do, so I hope I can do it!
And I just realized that a food store job was exactly what I wanted to have. For once destiny is playing with me and not against me.
But I shouldnt celebrate yet. First I have to land the practise place. And then impress him so he wants to hire me for extra work after the four weeks.
Cause I will need a job if Im gonna start studying to a chef. Wich I think I have a very good chance of doing. :)
And thumbs crossed that my Love and I will be together this christmas. We both need it so much.
Its a crazy world we live in and we certainly doesnt make it easier for ourselves by mainting this across-the-continents relationship. But what don't you do for love? Are we fools? Is it romantic? Is it unrealistic and hearbreaking?
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I guess sometimes you just have to follow your heart, take a chance and hold on.
Hope is the last thing leaving a person, they say. And my heart wont stop beating for my mexican man.
September! My month! :)
Things are looking up slightly. I have worked this summer, to and fro. A definite improvement since last year. And so far things have gone well. I have another point to put on my resume.
Im not where I wanna be in my life. But I feel Im atleast walking in the right direction.
I have a practice place hopefully comming up, for four weeks at a food store. I only have to impress the store manager and make him believe in me. Not the easiest thing to do, so I hope I can do it!
And I just realized that a food store job was exactly what I wanted to have. For once destiny is playing with me and not against me.
But I shouldnt celebrate yet. First I have to land the practise place. And then impress him so he wants to hire me for extra work after the four weeks.
Cause I will need a job if Im gonna start studying to a chef. Wich I think I have a very good chance of doing. :)
And thumbs crossed that my Love and I will be together this christmas. We both need it so much.
Its a crazy world we live in and we certainly doesnt make it easier for ourselves by mainting this across-the-continents relationship. But what don't you do for love? Are we fools? Is it romantic? Is it unrealistic and hearbreaking?
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I guess sometimes you just have to follow your heart, take a chance and hold on.
Hope is the last thing leaving a person, they say. And my heart wont stop beating for my mexican man.
söndag 11 juli 2010
Hot summers night
I'm lying here in my bed at night and I can't sleep.
I'm supposed to wake up in six hours because I have to go to work then.
I can hardly believe that sentence. Me? Work?!
But it's true. I've finally manage to get a job, an occupation, employment!
But I can't sleep. It's so hot in here. Even though it's midnight the heat from the day lingers and keep me from sleeping.
All the thoughts and questions swarming in my brain doesn't help either.
Neither does the song wich goes like this: "målet är ingenting - vägen är allalalallalalallt".
It means "the destination means nothing- the journey means everything" or "everythihihihihing" hehe.
A very good song and it doesn't leave me alone.
I'm thinking about my future, what I want in life. I'm thinking about this new job and if I'll manage it well. Im thinking about my finantial situation, about education and I'm thinking about love and relationships.
With hope that this little writing will have lifted some mental burdons I'll retire to my bed again.
Let tomorrow be a good day.
Amen.
I'm supposed to wake up in six hours because I have to go to work then.
I can hardly believe that sentence. Me? Work?!
But it's true. I've finally manage to get a job, an occupation, employment!
But I can't sleep. It's so hot in here. Even though it's midnight the heat from the day lingers and keep me from sleeping.
All the thoughts and questions swarming in my brain doesn't help either.
Neither does the song wich goes like this: "målet är ingenting - vägen är allalalallalalallt".
It means "the destination means nothing- the journey means everything" or "everythihihihihing" hehe.
A very good song and it doesn't leave me alone.
I'm thinking about my future, what I want in life. I'm thinking about this new job and if I'll manage it well. Im thinking about my finantial situation, about education and I'm thinking about love and relationships.
With hope that this little writing will have lifted some mental burdons I'll retire to my bed again.
Let tomorrow be a good day.
Amen.
fredag 11 juni 2010
Grattitude - the healing power
I'm thankful for:
- having both parents alive and well.
- having a great sister that I can talk to and joke with without much problem.
I don't belive close sisters like these grows on trees.
- that my mum has found a good love at last. Someone she can be herself with
and do all things she feels like together with him.
- my dad. His optimism, spiritualism and generosity. His nonhesitant will to help. His inspiration.
And the mere practical fact that he let's me stay in his apartment practically for free.
- my cat rudi. His truly a gift from above. I couldn't gave wished for a better cat. He is all I ever wanted in a cat.
So affectionate and never afraid.
- my talents that have been given me for some reason. I'm very happy o have them. Without them I'd be nothing special at all.
My love for music is what brings me most joy. I'm happy I can appreciate music the way I do. It enrichens life in a great way.
- my two years in the art school and most importantly the first one where I grew
and learned and got to experience many new things and people.
- the fact that I'm alive is enough to be thankful of.
- that I'm not living in a place shaken by the terror and misery of war.
- the fact that I'm in reasonably good physical shape.
- that I'm young and still have many years to be a better person.
- all friends I have and have had. The fun times we had. The thoughts and interests we shared. The support they gave me and acceptance.
- last but definitely not least; Ulises. That a twist of destiny put him in my path. The strange and wonderful man who has taught and showed me so much. Given me so much. So much love, appreciation, guiding and time. That has blessed my life with his presence ( if you read it you may think I'm overdoing it but I'm not. All is true. ) inspired me. Impressed me. Touched my heart so many times I can't count them. And made me feel really special too. For that I'm forever grateful.
I could write more.
This list isn't ranked in order of importance.
I lay in my bed thinking about my problems and realized of my dads words of grattitude. How he is thankful every morning for being able to wake up and live another day.
And I realize of my own smallmindedness.
We all need to be more grateful for the things we have.
I know I do atleast.
- having both parents alive and well.
- having a great sister that I can talk to and joke with without much problem.
I don't belive close sisters like these grows on trees.
- that my mum has found a good love at last. Someone she can be herself with
and do all things she feels like together with him.
- my dad. His optimism, spiritualism and generosity. His nonhesitant will to help. His inspiration.
And the mere practical fact that he let's me stay in his apartment practically for free.
- my cat rudi. His truly a gift from above. I couldn't gave wished for a better cat. He is all I ever wanted in a cat.
So affectionate and never afraid.
- my talents that have been given me for some reason. I'm very happy o have them. Without them I'd be nothing special at all.
My love for music is what brings me most joy. I'm happy I can appreciate music the way I do. It enrichens life in a great way.
- my two years in the art school and most importantly the first one where I grew
and learned and got to experience many new things and people.
- the fact that I'm alive is enough to be thankful of.
- that I'm not living in a place shaken by the terror and misery of war.
- the fact that I'm in reasonably good physical shape.
- that I'm young and still have many years to be a better person.
- all friends I have and have had. The fun times we had. The thoughts and interests we shared. The support they gave me and acceptance.
- last but definitely not least; Ulises. That a twist of destiny put him in my path. The strange and wonderful man who has taught and showed me so much. Given me so much. So much love, appreciation, guiding and time. That has blessed my life with his presence ( if you read it you may think I'm overdoing it but I'm not. All is true. ) inspired me. Impressed me. Touched my heart so many times I can't count them. And made me feel really special too. For that I'm forever grateful.
I could write more.
This list isn't ranked in order of importance.
I lay in my bed thinking about my problems and realized of my dads words of grattitude. How he is thankful every morning for being able to wake up and live another day.
And I realize of my own smallmindedness.
We all need to be more grateful for the things we have.
I know I do atleast.
måndag 24 maj 2010
Happy Birthday to you Moma and other darker thoughts.
Ja nu ska jag skriva på svenska för en gångs skull. Undrar hur det ska gå. Om jag fortarande kan uttrycka mig på modersmålet eller för evigt har förlorat mig i engelskans virvlande grepp.
Hur som helst. Dagen var som dagar brukar vara ung, förutom att det var mammas födelsedag. Så hela dagen gick åt åt den. Men det gör inget. Känns skönt att inte ha sig själv som huvud intresse/huvudbry för en gångs skull. Eller det är nog inte helt sant. Jag kan inte låta bli att vara alldeles för självupptagen ibland. (Som nu tex. Argh!)
Vaknade upp med en ofrånkommligt sömnig och betungande trötthet. Hade bara sovit fyra timmar. För jag fastnade i ett youtubemaraton av stand up comedy (RAw Eddie Murphy och Inside the actors studio med Robin Williams)Skrattad men missnöjd och orolig gick jag och la mig igår/imorse, fast besluten att vakna på utsatt tid så jag skulle hinna med pajbakningen. Vilket jag gjorde, med nöd och näppe. Men hela min kropp sa "Gå och lägg dig igen, människa?!"
Åkte således över till mamma där alla var samlade redan. Mamma på ett lätt irriterat och stressat humör men lite glad ändå. Morfar och mormor med respektive, Helena och Tjåken.
Det blev tårtätning, och nyhetsuppdateringar. Samtal om diverse krämpor morföräldrarna emellan och som vanligt så kändes det som om vi var två grupper, separerade av ålder.
Finns så mycket jag kan säga om dem och oss osv. But this is not the time and place, för kl är 2:30 ser jag nu...
Firandet var trevligt, mamma blev hurrad och sjungen för och tyckte om sina presenter. Delikatesserna, eko-kudden och de turkosa fjäder-örhängena. Samt pajen som jag gjorde. T.o.m. Helena och Tjåken godkände den, fast den innehöll de högst tvivelaktiga ingredienserna spenat och fetaost (hehehe).
Efter att gästerna hade gått hem hade mamma och jag ett rätt långt samtal om det ena och det andra. Och det var skönt, för det var så länge sen det hände sist. Blir inte så mycket ensamtid med varandra nuförtiden eftersom hon har Tjåken. Men nu blir det förhoppningsvis mer av det.
Sen kom man hem och efter ett ganska långt tag får man syn på älsklingen som kommer online. Men det är bara en synvilla. För han ska strax, alldeles för snart gå igen.
Och det värker.
Jag blir bara bitter.
Jag vill inte känna så här.
Så otillfrdsställd.
Hur kan en bra dag med sin positiva stämning förstöras så snabbt?
Men jag låtsas som ingenting,
vill inte vara den som klagar för mycket.
Vill inte vara svag.
Men jag fylls av en bitterhet.
Den går inte att hejda.
Blir bara värre för varje gång som går.
Och berätta hur jag känner, dvs "klaga" har jag inget för.
Det bara spär på hans bitterhet.
Vilken är orsaken till hans nonchalans.
Denna nonchalans, denna attityd som sårar.
Som gör att det värker...
Som får mig att tänka "Fuck it!"
Vad är detta? Moment 22?
Varför måste det alltid sluta så här? Vilket problem vi än har, slutar det alltid i denna position.
Känns inte bra. Inte heller bristen på kontakt. Inte heller denna kyla som sprider sig och förbittrar. Det finns en mur emellan oss.
Det känns som om jag förlorat min bästa vän.
Hur som helst. Dagen var som dagar brukar vara ung, förutom att det var mammas födelsedag. Så hela dagen gick åt åt den. Men det gör inget. Känns skönt att inte ha sig själv som huvud intresse/huvudbry för en gångs skull. Eller det är nog inte helt sant. Jag kan inte låta bli att vara alldeles för självupptagen ibland. (Som nu tex. Argh!)
Vaknade upp med en ofrånkommligt sömnig och betungande trötthet. Hade bara sovit fyra timmar. För jag fastnade i ett youtubemaraton av stand up comedy (RAw Eddie Murphy och Inside the actors studio med Robin Williams)Skrattad men missnöjd och orolig gick jag och la mig igår/imorse, fast besluten att vakna på utsatt tid så jag skulle hinna med pajbakningen. Vilket jag gjorde, med nöd och näppe. Men hela min kropp sa "Gå och lägg dig igen, människa?!"
Åkte således över till mamma där alla var samlade redan. Mamma på ett lätt irriterat och stressat humör men lite glad ändå. Morfar och mormor med respektive, Helena och Tjåken.
Det blev tårtätning, och nyhetsuppdateringar. Samtal om diverse krämpor morföräldrarna emellan och som vanligt så kändes det som om vi var två grupper, separerade av ålder.
Finns så mycket jag kan säga om dem och oss osv. But this is not the time and place, för kl är 2:30 ser jag nu...
Firandet var trevligt, mamma blev hurrad och sjungen för och tyckte om sina presenter. Delikatesserna, eko-kudden och de turkosa fjäder-örhängena. Samt pajen som jag gjorde. T.o.m. Helena och Tjåken godkände den, fast den innehöll de högst tvivelaktiga ingredienserna spenat och fetaost (hehehe).
Efter att gästerna hade gått hem hade mamma och jag ett rätt långt samtal om det ena och det andra. Och det var skönt, för det var så länge sen det hände sist. Blir inte så mycket ensamtid med varandra nuförtiden eftersom hon har Tjåken. Men nu blir det förhoppningsvis mer av det.
Sen kom man hem och efter ett ganska långt tag får man syn på älsklingen som kommer online. Men det är bara en synvilla. För han ska strax, alldeles för snart gå igen.
Och det värker.
Jag blir bara bitter.
Jag vill inte känna så här.
Så otillfrdsställd.
Hur kan en bra dag med sin positiva stämning förstöras så snabbt?
Men jag låtsas som ingenting,
vill inte vara den som klagar för mycket.
Vill inte vara svag.
Men jag fylls av en bitterhet.
Den går inte att hejda.
Blir bara värre för varje gång som går.
Och berätta hur jag känner, dvs "klaga" har jag inget för.
Det bara spär på hans bitterhet.
Vilken är orsaken till hans nonchalans.
Denna nonchalans, denna attityd som sårar.
Som gör att det värker...
Som får mig att tänka "Fuck it!"
Vad är detta? Moment 22?
Varför måste det alltid sluta så här? Vilket problem vi än har, slutar det alltid i denna position.
Känns inte bra. Inte heller bristen på kontakt. Inte heller denna kyla som sprider sig och förbittrar. Det finns en mur emellan oss.
Det känns som om jag förlorat min bästa vän.
fredag 14 maj 2010
All in love is fair.
Good day.
Bad day.
Strange day.
All in the same day.
Restless and irritated.
Dancing does me good.
So many pieces missing.
I don't care to explain.
Just like you.
Spring offers a traditional promise
of a better time to come.
A promise so uncertain
I don't dare to believe it.
The new smells, the wet pavement
and romantic flowers of may whispers
of late summer nights
and new young love.
I feel left out.
I feel cheated.
Summer is not going to bring any success.
Summer will dissapoint.
Just as me...
Too many times before.
All in love is fair.
Is btw a song by Stevie wonder.
Bad day.
Strange day.
All in the same day.
Restless and irritated.
Dancing does me good.
So many pieces missing.
I don't care to explain.
Just like you.
Spring offers a traditional promise
of a better time to come.
A promise so uncertain
I don't dare to believe it.
The new smells, the wet pavement
and romantic flowers of may whispers
of late summer nights
and new young love.
I feel left out.
I feel cheated.
Summer is not going to bring any success.
Summer will dissapoint.
Just as me...
Too many times before.
All in love is fair.
Is btw a song by Stevie wonder.
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