By your side baby

I feel alittle more happy today. Maybe It's cause I drank coffe. Maybe it's cause I talked to Ulises and we had a good valentine's conversation.
I dreamt well after that.

Im still angry at myself. Im still dissapointed at myself. I still wish I was someone better.

But..I feel a bit happier today. Maybe my future won't be so bad after all...
Who knows?

I feel like composing,singing, dancing, drawing and painting. Some way to express myself.

I wanna be close to animals...I want to be in inspirational places, I want to talk to inspirational people. I want to cook delicious meals. I want to be proud of myself and appretiated by people.

Anyone think I can do it?
I hope so...
I hope so. :)

Out of this world

When we look back at it as I know we will
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?

And I know we have to go
I know we only get to stay so long
Always have to go back to real lives
Where we belong

When we think back on all this and I'm sure we will
Me and you here and now
Will we forget how it really is?
Why it feels like this and how?

And we always have to go I realize
And we always have to say good bye
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are the reason
why we want to live another life
We want to feel another time, another time
Another time

We look back at it all as I know we will
You and me wide-eyed
I wonder will we really remember
How it feels to be this alive?

I know we have to go
I realize we always have to turn away
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are why we stay for another dream
Another day, for another world
another way, for another way

One last time before its over
One last time before the end
One last time before it's time to go again.
(the cure)

dear diary

I wish...

I wish so many things. I wish someone could tell me what Im supposed to do with my life. Wich road to take...

I wish someone could give me a better sence of self preservation. A better working inner motor. More motivation.

But things like this just doesnt fall into one's lap, do they?

Where do I start?

Fake it untill you make it? Is that how to do it? To force myself..? To just take it, just endure it, though it doesnt feel right?

How can I make myself better? How can I change?

Do I even want to change? Really doesnt seam like I do...

I know I need to. For my own sake.

God if your up there, help me find strength, help me find truth, help me be a better version of me. Help me be a better person for other people. For me to actually be an aid in life and not a burdon.

I dont really believe in you god.

But where can I turn? I, myself dont have the answers to my questions, I, myself can't help me...

But I need a sign, a light, a path...a way.
I need an opening from my hole, my destructive bubble.

"ouch" says my heart

Why am I so damn sensitive?
I was sort of happy all day and then I call you, hopefull, to hear you, to talk alittle, about somehting random... (I need to hear from you. I need it, like the air I breath)
And you can't talk.
And your not exactly excited to get a call.
I hear it in your voice.
I know..I may be stupid to react like this, cause you are busy with your everyday-things.
But I can't stop the slight pain growing in my chest after I hang up.
After I pretended it was ok.
It's not.
I miss you so much...

emotions rushing through me

Apart from everything...all the hurt...
Some days ago you told me Im your dream girl...

(This may not be accurate anymore, but im writing as though it would be. Forgive me incase im wrong. If so you can just ignore this.)

...what part of me is that exactly?

Don't tell me its my artistic streak or physical appearance.
That is not enough...not enough to love me so much as you say you do.
I cause you so much pain and we are so different that I cant seam to stop dissapoint you.
What is it that you love?

When you truly love someone you forgive their faults and flaws.

Love is not fear. (fear is the opposite of love; neither can be where the other excist)
Love is trust. (without it - fear = no love)

I trust you, I accept you as you are and I love you.

YOU.



and one last thing...
Maybe the dream girl is real only when you are asleep.

_________________________________
I just had to get this out of me.

I don't want it to end.
But we need clarity.
And if we're going to be together
you have to trust me, eventually
and I have to give you a stronger
reason to trust me. Be more trustworthy.
Neither of us can live without it.
And you need to stop being so negative.
For your own happiness sake.
I love you,
I have loved you for a long time now,
I have never stopped and I'm not intending to.
What will happen in the future,
I can't honestly tell you,
as little as you would be able to yourself.
I can't promise you I'll love you forever.
And you can't either, if you really think about it.
We can only hold on to eachother and hope for the best.
Love eachother the best we can,
handle life's problems together when they come the best we can. (the best we are able to, individually speaking)
That is all.
Thats all you can expect from another person, Being Fair.
And that is the thruth...about all relationships.
There is no such thing as the perfect relationship or
love at first sight. Match made in heaven.
Call me cynical...in this matter, Im a realist.

Something I've learned, among other things, is that relationships are Fragile.
I had already heard it somewhere...and i could theoretically understand it.
Now...I know.

Souvenir

I get flashbacks from my trip all the time. Some makes me think and analyse, some makes me warm inside with a smile on my face. Some leave me quite depressed when I think of what I can't have. (You)

But Ulises, Im gonna do it!
Im gonna turn my situation around.
You say nothing happened to me during this trip.
I havnt forgotten our talks about my bad behaviour patterns.
And the way I react to things. My lazyness and selfpity.

I dont think I can change every bad thing about me.
But I'll try.

I dont know what the future holds for us, I really don't. But I hope it holds something, cause you make me feel good inside. And I love you.

Sorry for the past romanticism...but its a part of me, like the part that loves art and music. And im sorry if it is strange for you. Cause I wish I could share it.
(I guess i fell in love with you all over again, not meaning i fell out before, but It deepened and the reality of my boring life here without you hit me once again)

back home again - give me your warmth

Wandering round in this winter wonderland
and it feels like i had a quite strange
but wonderful dream of three weeks.
I dreamt I flew across the atlantic
all the way to exotic mexico
to meet a man/boy.
And my heart felt things for him I cant forget.
In his presence i felt alive,
adored, happy, slightly better version of myself.
I also felt some negative things.
I did some things wrong. And I got ill.
But all of that fades when i think of his eyes,
his smile, our laughs, our moments of connection,
of passion, of silly playfighting on the livingroom floor...
Walking holding hands. It felt like home being with him.
And now im damned to a life without it.
And I can't forget.
Hes not a perfect greek god, but i love every shape of his body.
He's demanding and challenge me.
Many times i end up feeling bad.
Sometimes he's rather unsensitive and hit my weak spots and then get angry when i get hurt.
Sometimes he's too stubborn and silent.
Sometimes he forgets about me infront of his friends.
Sometimes he'd rather be fair than forgiving.
But all of these things i can bare.
All of it is worth it.
Because he knows me like no other.
Because he loves me like no other.
Because I'm addicted.
Addicted to his smell, his touch, his piggy laugh, his stupid jokes, his voice and his flaws.
Hes my man, he is for me. Im his...and what can I say...
Im in love.
But why must he live so far away?