dear diary

I wish...

I wish so many things. I wish someone could tell me what Im supposed to do with my life. Wich road to take...

I wish someone could give me a better sence of self preservation. A better working inner motor. More motivation.

But things like this just doesnt fall into one's lap, do they?

Where do I start?

Fake it untill you make it? Is that how to do it? To force myself..? To just take it, just endure it, though it doesnt feel right?

How can I make myself better? How can I change?

Do I even want to change? Really doesnt seam like I do...

I know I need to. For my own sake.

God if your up there, help me find strength, help me find truth, help me be a better version of me. Help me be a better person for other people. For me to actually be an aid in life and not a burdon.

I dont really believe in you god.

But where can I turn? I, myself dont have the answers to my questions, I, myself can't help me...

But I need a sign, a light, a path...a way.
I need an opening from my hole, my destructive bubble.