I got you , babe - I think.

Btw, its a very good song, by sonny and cher. (I got you babe)

I feel like I don't know myself anymore.
Who I am. My strengths. My good characteristics. Im lost.

I want to be selfdependant. I don't want to need anyone. I want to be the maker of my own happiness.
Sadly that isnt the reality.

And sadly I still need you.
And I need anyone who's kind to me.
And I need my family.
And friends. I act as though I don't sometimes.

Needing people is a two headed sword.

Everyone needs things. Everyone needs other people. No man is an island. That is a universal truth.
"Tend to your needs."
"What you want might not be the same as what you NEED."

But "needy" is a bad word.
You shouldn't need people too much. Then you become dependant on other people. A burdon. An extra dead weight.
That is disgusted by most in this society. Quite naturally. Everyone should participate and help and be useful. Be independant.

What happens to those people that can't help themselves?
They are spitted on. Unwanted people. A shame, a disgrace, a cancer in the society.
The stronger push away the weak. Its natures way. Survival of the fittest.

I am one of those people. One of those weak people.
I need support.
I don't want to need support!
Never ever again.

Ill be miss solitude wanderer. Untouchable and cold. Strong and independant.

Is that what you want?

I am a human of flesh and blood. I have weaknesess. I have faults. I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be? A perfect humanbeing.
"No need for evolution. -Shes perfect!" No need for nothing. No need for you at all.

No.

Aslong as my heart beats the blood in my veins, aslong will I need. Ill need warmth, comfort, support, acceptance, forgiveness, appreciation patience and encouragement.
Pure and simple: LOVE.

Just as any other person.

blå måndag

Why do you build me up?
Buttercup baby
just to let me down
and mess me around.
And worst of all
you never come baby
when you say you will
but I love you still!
I need you!
More than anyone darling,
you know that I have from the start.
So build me up, Buttercup.
But don't break my heart...
_______

Day, started pretty bad, except for alot of weird dream. One of them where your mum was very nice to me, even nicer than usual and there was no problem talking to her at all and gave me small sweets with nougat in them. You were in my dreams also.
Strange how it works. Before my trip I could never get a clear picture of you in the dreams. Well my dreams are never so clear as I'd wish but now he's there allmost every night.

Lovely weather today again. Its getting warmer and warmer. Im looking forward to when its around 20 degrees so I don't have to freeze at all. Today I biked on my red bike in only my spring jacket. It was still a little cold but it felt good. We are heading towards lighter and greener times.

I came to mum and spent the afternoon and evening with her. Cuddled with Rudi. Completed the interview sheet with her, took an hour. Drank coffe and ate dark chocolate. Ate leftover lovely curry chicken with couscous dinner. And then we biked to the independant movie theatre were we saw a very interesting movie called Bright Star.
Its a costume movie about the brittish romantic poet John Keats. He was a poor, sensitive guy who was inlove with the very hot tempered Fanny Brawnes, a talented richer girl who liked to make her own clothes. Sadly he got ill when he was only 25 and died away from Fanny, thinking he was totally worthless as a poet.

It was a beautiful movie. And sometimes funny. And it reminded me about how tearing burning, longing love can be. How she waited for his letters. She said something like this in the movie:
"When he hasn't sent me a letter it feels like Im going to die. And then when the letter finally arrives I get new air in my loungs, I can breathe and the world make sence again. Its the only world I care for, the one we have created together."

And I can recognize myself in that kind of thinking. Though it was a long time since I felt it was a "matter of life and death" for me. Only alittle bit. I allmost wish it was. But I know that feeling is consuming and harmful. But wow, if you don't feel alive!
Its not as honey sweet for me anymore. The love has definitelly losts it's innocence. Its starting to feel rather bitter and dusty.
I still long, I still need. I still want. I still love (you). But sometimes I get so tired and irritated and I feel like giving up. I'm left unsatisfied anyhow. Whats the point of reaching out and making myself voulnerable over and over when I get no response? The reaches get weaker and weaker. The responses and surges of new life lesser. The new attempts fewer. Will it die?
I don't know...

And I can't complain with you. Cause I am no angel either. I let you down and I give you a constant nagging headache for all the things I am not and the things I havn't done. And it feels like what you miss most is the physical pleasure I supplied.

And you are busy. And you don't feel it like you used to...

So here we are.
You and me.


I am continuing with my mission of providing for myself.
But our relationship is pretty bad already. You are supposed to be my partner and best friend.
- And you don't answer my mails like a normal person.
It doesn't matter if I explain the unspoken rules of communication, does it?
You have stopped listening.
I am just an irritating bird in your ear repeating big words like "communication" to you.
I don't care anymore to explain it. I told you already several times. How much it matters to me. I can hint it, I can be direct and write it in BOLD CAPITALS. What's the use? Same result. - Nothin' !
You have a bad habit thinking that if you have nothing special to reply like a direct question or request, you rather not answer at all. Like it would be better?!

Now im tired. In many ways. Better sleep.
Bye bye.


I still Love you. I wanna make it work...
I want to isnpire you and make you interested in me. Discuss with you again. Share. But we need time for that. Do I fit in anymore? Do I?
Think about that.

Moody sunny thoughtful Martes

Im tired of computers! Im tired of Tv's! I wanna do something meaningful. Somehting creative. Something active.

Im tired of myself and my inadequaties and moaning sadness.

Im tired of loneliness. Im tired of being by myself. Im tired of imposing on my mum and her "boyfriend" a saturday night cause I have nothing better to do. Hanging with my family to keep the loneliness away. No bad about my family - I love them, but I need some other people in my life too. Im tired of my life. I want another one. An upgrade. Kamillas life 2.0 please arrive soon!

Since my biggest energydrainer is that my beloved is far far away, I need soemthing to sustain me. To hold on to. Apart from longing and hope.

Spring is here. Blessed sunny spring is here with its bird singing and perky little vibrant flowers popping up here and there.
And what are my prospects? What is my income?
I wanna buy new light, fresh spring clothes. Cool spring high heal shoes.

Today I visited the homepage of artschool and to my delight I saw a painting that I made two years ago that finally has been put up there. A painting of a womans back. And I admired myself. Thinking that Im not half bad. But what happened with that...
Wasted talent. and the words from "A bronx tale" ring in my ears:
"There is nothing sadder in this world than wasted talent".

I wanna paint again. Use my colors, maybe ask granddad if I can join him and paint..
I think I'm gonna do that.

Its not like I have better things to do. Except getting a job.

This is the last week of the jobcenter. Afterwards Im gonna be in a sort of "guarantee" where I more or less mind my own business, attend meetings and send in applications for money while searching for jobs. Damn degrading business.
Hopefully though I get to be in a kitchen for some weeks to practise cooking and if they think I have what it takes I can begin a longer education. I hope for that.
I wanna try something new. Somthing practical. I wanna have a new skill. I want to feel good at somehting again. Boost my selfasteem. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now Im gonna say good night and sleep.
Untill next time!

another friday

Its raining outside. Very grey, bpring day.

I need a pick me up. Im too low again. But I don't want to weight you down.

The job interviews got turned down and my still hopes for the summer is now vanished.

I need you by my side baby. Thats allmost all I think about.

I need something to do, and I need money. I have these cravings of things I wanna buy. More than usual. I suppose it's because there is little chance in the world I can buy anything at all at the moment and that makes me feel this way.

I read something that was embroidered on a peice of cloth on the wall at grandmas house last sunday. (we were there to celebrate easter. Ate lamb and eggs and all and all it was very nice, we laughed alot.)
It says:
Happiness is
to have something to do
someone to love and
something to hope for.

And I think it's very true.
That is my goal in life, as it is right now. (that and to keep myself healthy and diciplined)

Happiness lies in the small simple things.
Good food, good company,family, nature, culture, hobbies. Doing somehting for another person. Making someone smile and laugh. Being a part of a crowd, joined together by a single thing. Being alone in the nature, enjoying the weather and colours. But mostly, you are the most happy when you can share a moment with someone dear to you. Those are the moments you take to your heart and remember for a long time.

In my heart there is still a hope for us to have many of those happy moments together.

Friday of pain.

And once again my world came crushing down on me.
I can't win.

If you don't want me, Leave me!
If I am not what your searching for, Leave me!
If you don't care anymore. Leave me...

Why are you hanging on to me if thats how you feel?
You said it. You keep on looking for it, but its never there.

You have lost the will to explain what It is to me.

My heart breaks and I cry my heart out...

I AM affected by you!
What you say. Your advices. I TOO take them into account.
I am looking for a damn job am I not? (I moved to this apartment, cause you wanted to. I could have taken another spanish class, but I took your advice. Yes I am stubborn...I dont like to be told what to do. I know. Im trying to work on it...but sometimes I require a little respect. Im not an employee you can order around.)

I know things are far from fixed when it comes to my life. But its on its way..
Am I not improving?

Maybe It's too late now.
Maybe we just dont speak the same language.
Maybe we never did.

I want to stay and keep on fighting.
Whats your position?

Or do you not love me anymore...?





I love YOU :(
I love you I love you I love you!
I dont want you to leave me.

But maybe I can never make you happy Ulises. I want you to be happy.

Aprils fools day!

And no-one has fooled me today. What a shame.
hehe. It's nice to get fooled sometimes. In an innocent way ofcourse.


Things are looking up I think.

I come in time to jobcenter. I do my stuff..most of it hehe. (A little lazy when it comes to the cleaning and dishwashing. But how boring wouldn't it be if I was perfect? :P )

Today was a good day. Only a half day at the jobcenter. My jobcoach from Jobzone(that I met for the first time in mondays) called me as arranged this morning for our phonemeeting :) We discussed my CV and and personal letter and she gave me feedback on that. It was very nice. She said I have a good language when I write, it's flowing and pleasant to read. ALways nice to hear such things.

Then I got home, ate my porkchop lunch and watched "dogwhisperer" with cesar milan (he's originally from mexico I think hehe.)He's a great packleader and really understand canine phsycology. Its really interesting and my new favourite show.

Then I went to micka and she took us by car (real fancy car..that has a wing on the trunk like a speedway car) to the swimhall. And we swimmed for a while, mostly talking since we're both pretty out of shape. And she told me about the necklaces she and her mum are making and invited me to a fair they are going to participate in. Interesting.

Then, tired of the excersize we went home to her place and drank tea and ate alot of sandwiches...
There went my plans of making carrot pasta with lobstertail sauce out the window. But its not an issue, Ill make it tomorrow instead.
We talked alot about different things and afterwards she showed me some earrings and necklaces that she and her mum had maid. They looked nice.

And now I'm home. Just finnished a call to Ann-Kim that was happy to hear from me for a change (usually she's the one that calls me) and shes fine. Apart from that human ulcer of a boyfriend she has. But well well...she's starting her new job tomorrow. That's a good thing.

Otherwise the week has been fine.
Met the jobcoach in mondays at the library where we went through my situation.
I got back the result of the jobinterview from mcdonalds..and its negative.
I hold my thumps for the other job. I went to another interview this thuesday. Its for young people that needs to get into the labour market. Just like me. So I went for this interview about a job in a childrens dining hall. I think it went rather well... I don't know yet. But I really hope I get it. It's only part time job, half day. So I could get another parttime job after it. If I manage to, that is...
(and that way I could have alotta money!!! I really want money this time. I want money to save. I want to be able to live decently. Not having to think carefully all the time about expenditure.)
In wednesdays I went home to mum after the weekly coffe with dad and helena and ate pancaces with mum, helena and tjåken. Then helena and I watched half of this movie called whip-it. its with ellen page (juno), a girl in a small town in texas(?) that wants to get away from her boring life and join a skaterally team. (lots of angry chicks on rollerskates pushing eatchother around while racing, sort of). Quite good. I think we'll watch the rest tomorrow.

Last weekend didnt contain so much worth mentioning apart from the sightings of "white-tailed eagles" (eller som de heter på svenska; havsörnar) in the early saturday with dad. It appears as though we were photographed also. We were in the newspaper with our backs towards the camera haha. Of course..such a celeebrityy like me cant escape the papparazzis ;P.
Well here is a link of the web article, they didnt post the same photo. This one is taken a bit earlier on the day I presume.

http://e-verkstaden.se/artikelmall.asp?version=874532

Anyhow it was a nice outting.
ANd later in the evening Helena and I celebrated earthour by sitting in the candlelit darkness, watching a movie (Fame) and eating chips.

And this weekend is easter weekend! Yay! There is going to plenty of delicious easter food and candy and we're also going to meet grandma and the uncles and cousins one day. Havent seen them since november/december...

and tomorrow I have a free day (as on monday!) I can sleep longer and stay up longer :) (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Well..Now Im gonna go and do somehting else.
Dad tipped me about a book from this danish philosopher called Martinus that's supposed to be very enlightening.

Untill next time...

stepping forwards..yet again.

The weekend was pleasant and effective containing of laundry, story watching on tv, and friends and family.
Firstly on friday we watched the finnishing chapters of the swedish tv-series "girl on the stonebench...and the white shadows among the trees" (I think it's the correct name). And well...it was exciting with a happy end, though a bit sudden I think.
On wednesday I washed clothed at dad and Ingers and sat with Inger in the living room and talked and talked about "life" as she told dad. It felt good. I havn't talked to her like that in a while.
Then in the evening I went over to Micka and together we made dinner. Carrot pasta with lobster tails in a creamy sauce. It was unusual and tasty. A spring dish. We talked alot during the dinner, about her decition to get pregnant in the fall for example...
It's exciting. But feels kind of weird when a friend, my age, is thinking about babies when I couldnt be further from that place...

Then we went to rent a movie and buy some candy and cheese doodles. A whole lot of unhealthy stuff hehe. But damn it felt like old times, when we used to meet micka, me and linda at mickas, sit all three in her couch under a thick blanket in her room and have movie nights like that. Same place when I started drink light alcoholic cider for the first time.
Anyway..it was a good movie. "Timetravelers Wife". I recommend it for all who loves a good love story. Its about a time traveler, who has no control over his ability. How he and the girl manage to have their life together and how their destinys are woven together. Really fascinating.
Something that caught my ear, somehting they said in the extras:
how fleeting and short the moments of happiness are, how we much grab them when they come and enjoy them the best we can, because thats all there is. And I recognize that. Very much.

Then after that a chat date with Prieto...

Sunday I had to go back to ingers and wash another load. And another nice time at their place. Then off to mum for a sundays dinner. meeting mum, helena and tjåken. Tjåken was excited about his blueberry chocolate :P (and his hand-made blueberry wine that he and mum has drunken off many saturday nights. The retro 70-ties people...and we shouldn't mention the hideous stews they make. Food that contains of the most weird combinations, all mixed together like pig food. Practical, economical, probably nutritious and back to the basics. But waaaay to spicy. Mum stop using ethiopian spice! Thank god she made something normal this time.)
Anywho...
Mum and I got a chance for ourselves to talk also.
A lot of talking this weekend. I was all burned out for all the social activity, plus going to sleep too late two days in a row after a week of going to sleep at around 12 every night.

Then in monday. I was too tired I overslept and woke up 30 min before I was about to BE at the jobcenter. I called in sick and spend the day taking care of laundry, and dishes and resting. Feeling slightly bad with myself. This is what happens. I can't even stay up late in weekends. It ruins my orderly laid foundation.

Thuesday. - on time. :)
Spend the whole day in job center reading pages on internet about interviews. some where quite funny. There were actually a guy who suggested (I hope he was kidding) that you should not greet the interviewer, just run around in the room for a while then lay flat on the ground on the carpet in the middle of the room and roll yourself inside of it, pretending you are a cabbage roll! hehe..well there were some good and serious tips too.
Then I got stood up by mum after the job center. She was supposed to meet me in town. And calls five minuets afterwards, not appologizing, only telling me she's not gonna be there in an angry tone. Wth...well. I guess it serves me right for all the times I've been late. But I think its bad of her. Just because I have behaved badly doesnt mean others should copy me...

The I was on the interview. Pretty stressfull. Alot of people. I saw therese there. It was a nice surprise. Shes very professional and admireable I think. Always looks flawless. Like its always been between us two since we were five hehe. She looks like the polished princess and I look like the monkey/troll. Both ate icecream. She was spotless, I had icecream around my mouth and drops on my clothes...

anywho..Ill know the answer in a week.

Tomorrow Im not going to jobcenter since they are closed so Ill clean the apartment, meet dad and helena as usual and then go over to mums and sow a curtain for the living room.
Talking about home decorating...Ive finally decided what to do with the kitchen. I've gotten some inspiration to decide what colors to use and I picked:
yellow - for the warmth
pink - for the girlyness and contrast against the white-greyish colours in there
green - for the calming effect
Its gonna be nice to get the change, its really needed and feels good to have reached a desition even though it tan't be put into work yet but hopefully next month.

well..Ive used my less rigid timelimit far enough now so Im going to bed.

Good night!

Ps..if anyone would write me a comment or two it would be very appreciated. :)