The king of pop is dead.

Michael Jackson is no more.
Its sad.
But I hope he's feeling better where he is now.


I have been listening to his songs on youtube several days now and Im thinking about buying all the records of him (though I have "Dangerous"). I dont think I have ever appreciated him more then now. Its sad how you start to really appreciate a person when its too late.
I have always liked his music and his dancing. He may have been my first inspiration to dance. He was my big Idol when I went to 2nd and 3rd grade and when they play his music in the clubs it always raises my mood and takes my wanting to dance to the next level.
But then all the rumors came and created speculation. What do one really know about the happenings in the mansion of his? Maybe hes innocent like a child but tragically damaged because of the horrible childhood and cant help himself. Doesnt know his limits and cant control his impulses...or something. I wish it wouldnt be true. But they say there's no smoke without fire.
Recently though...one of the boys came out and came clean, telling the world the truth about it all and asked for forgiveness (though too late of course). It turned out that the boys' father made up the story and preassured his son to say it out of the reason of profitting. Milked the previous rumor for all its worth. So sad what people do for money...

All this videowatching ...
I must say Im a little inlove with him at the moment. He was such a fascinating person. Two different persons really...This entertainment god on the stage, fiery and wicked. And then the withdrawn, shy, sweet talking, humble, allmost girly person behind the curtain. Very insecure of himself, something that wasnt appearent at all infront of an audience. He was a perfectionist. A workoholic. With a childs fascination for fantasy and magic (stray thought..I wonder if he ever read harry potter. I believe he would have liked it alot.) and carnival rides. A great love and recognition in children and animals. Very caring and giving. Concerned about the worlds injustices. Pure...innocent. And very lonely.

But I wonder what was going on inside of him. What his inner life was like, his deeper desires and dreams.
Because..the two personalities are so far from eachother. It doesnt make sence.
On stage he was on fire! So expressive. Even agressive. Not a single hesitasion. He ruled the stage like a king. He took place like a king. He performed like a king. And presented himself like a king (not litterally).
And his creativeness, his uniqueness is out of this world. Unbelievably musical and talented in rythm and dancing. An inspiration. Something the world never before have seen and probably never will again. An extraordinary person in the true sence of the word.

I dont know what more to say.

Im not a person who regularly worships famous people.
But If I'd have an idol it'd be him.
For sure.


(did I mention we are both virgo with ascendant in libra? :P)

Rest in peace, Michael J.

The conversation turned horribly wrong.

I said something compleatly unnecessary, hurting and stupid. I exagerated to hurt him, cause I felt hurt too.
I overdid it.
An incredibly stupid thing to do.

"FUCK YOU"
was his response.

Im too messed up inside that I hurt the one closest to me.

____

Once again I feel like Im gonna end up all alone in this world.
In the end, Im the only one I got to turn to.
The momentarily bliss I experienced two years ago, when I thought I'd found someone to share everything with. Someone to see me for who I am and love me for it. Someone who knew me and understood me. It's all fading...

I can't stop letting him down. I can't help myself. I cant HELP myself. And it drags me under...
and it pulls him away from me.
I want to be strong for him.
I need to be.
He deserves someone strong and brilliant.
Somehow I always knew I wasnt good enough.

___________
Im sorry for all these dark feelings. But I always seam to write here when Im feeling the lowest.

There's so much inside of me...so I think I should write more often.

Only that once you've finnished the title the brain goes bye bye.
But I'll try.

There is so much inside of me at the moment:
-Frustration
-Anger
-Irritation
-Disapointment
-Discontent
-Selfdoubt
-Need for physical contact.
-Need for laughter and a feeling of "we belong together and nothing will ever tear us apart" (but those kinds of wishes doesnt come true I fear, not for me. Not if you're supposed to believe my horoscope anyway. My life ticket is to never find unconditional true love, something my heart is crying for. When I read that my heart sank down into my stomach and I started thinking, what if its true? Love hasnt been easy for me so far and now my love live across the world, on another continent. It doesnt look good. Am I living in a fantasy?)
-Bitterness.
-Sadness over that Im not using my full potential and letting my modest amount of talent go to waste.
-Need for purpose and direction.


Something must change. I must change. Im heading down a wrong path. My behaviour isnt quite constructive. I find that there are so much wrong with me that I dont know where to start improving myself. This isnt good.


Yesterday there was the movie Phantom of the Opera on tv. Once again I felt enourmous pity on the poor phantom. He has such talent, such love for music and is terribly missunderstood and unhappily in love with Christine. Hides his semi-grotesque face in fear of not being accepted.

"Masquerade, paperfaces in parade, masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you."

Somehow I identify myself with him.


Im sorry for all this self pity.
This is just an airhole for me.
Im usually not this solemn.
I hide my sorrow pretty well, I think...

The Greeneyed Monster

What a way to begin a blog...

well.

My name is Kamilla and I'm gonna treat this blog like a diary sort of...
so I guess I'll get right to it.
________

I't has been a long time since I've felt like this.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate this feeling!
Like its burning in my throat, in my heart, in my stomach.
The feeling is jealousy...
...and I can't bear it.
And its totally unnecessary and irrational.
Well not compleatly, everything has its reasons.
But I feel guilty for feeling like this.
Thats why I'm not gonna speak to the person it concerns, well not right now anyways.
It concerns the two people I love the most. That sucks...
I feel left out.
They are great together.
Actually...if she was a little older I fear she would be better for him than me :(
And I hate thinking like that. It hurts too much. Cause I love her.
And I love him. Can't be without him...